My December : Farewell
Mid December 2002
Dean is busy working on her assignments. She tried her best to finish them up before J comes back from his baito. It must be hard on him too, since it’s snowing heavily outside. Dean took a day off as she’s feeling unwell since this morning – she resisted but J forced her to. She threw few weary sighs as she couldn’t work out her assignments. Her dizziness conquered her head and forced her to lay it down for a moment. She laid her left arm on the desk, and later landed her head onto it. Her eyes stopped at her ring finger – it’s wearing a thin, plain silver ring & J is wearing one which exactly same with hers too. She uttered a weak smile before closing her eyes for a moment.
“ただいま!” J said from the genkan, awaking Dean from her sleep.
“Ah~ 超寒い!” J cried as he landed himself, sitting on the bed, taking off his jacket fully covered with melting snows.
“お帰り~ 大変ね” Dean replied, closing her notes and piled them up neatly and pushed them aside to the left corner of the desk. She moved towards J and sat before him, leaned her head onto J’s chest, resting it comfortably. Holding her into his arm J asked,
“大丈夫?”
Dean nodded weakly with her eyes shut. J has worried face on him, tightened his hold and examines her forehead with palm, and soon holds her hand. It was cold and pale.
“Dean, しっかりして! Dean…” he uttered his worried, with a little louder voice but Dean remains silent and numb in his hold.
This is the second day after they tied the knot. Though he knew not much time left to be together, he still with his decision…doesn’t matter if this marriage last a week or even a day, he determined to be with her….
I knew it’s crazy but I’ve decided. Even I knew she’ll leave me sooner or later, I still want to. I knew the fact she’s diagnosed to have an incurable illness, before I made this decision. I want to…believe in miracles. Seeing through how eager she was from the moment she appeared again before me last 2 years, it makes my tears falling non-stop. Because she already knew she will leave anything she worked hard for, yet she still did her best like she’ll have another 1000 years.
“Dean,…” J called her again, and felt relieved after she replied,
“Uhm?…Ah ごめん, I fell asleep…” Dean replied releasing herself from his hold.
“Maybe you should have your sleep now” J suggested as he pulled her back into his hold, made her head laid on his arm.
“お休み” J whispered and soon a while later Dean is already in her deep sleep.
He wrapped her with futon before shifted to the desk. He would do some revision, copying notes from Dean and if he wants to, he will try to do the assignments given. This has been continuing since 2 months ago, though he hangs up his study for this semester.
***
“おはよう” he greeted her with a kiss on the forehead. Dean brushed her eyes few times, still half awakened before she replied,
“おは…hah! What’s time now?” she suddenly panicked and woke up hurriedly.
“落ち着け! What are you thinking Dean? It’s Saturday!” J laughed a little, seeing her being so panicked, mistaken it was a school day.
“Ahhh…焦った!” Dean sighed, before she noticed the time at the moment,
“Why are you waking me up this early?” it’s 5.30 am, though it’s slightly getting lighter and lighter outside.
“Uhm… 何でだろう?” J smiled naughtily.
“Don’t tell me you want your breakfast now?” Dean is just guessing, as when it’s cold, you’ll get hungry easily. J threw a big yawn, and sliding himself into the futon, lying next to Dean.
“You stayed up for the whole night???” Dean was shocked.
“Ah, that assignment got me… so…” Dean pulled herself out of bed and checked her assignment she left undone last night. J continued before she couldn’t utter her thanks.
“You’re actually needed to submit it yesterday, aren’t you? Try bringing it to him today… I bet he would still receive it” said J while his eyes were already closed.
“Junji…” Dean was touched. She would never expect he will stay up to finish them up for her.
***
“I am sorry for submitting it late. Honestly, I can’t solve it yesterday” Dean lowered her head as to apologize.
“いいです. I’ll look through it later” replied Mr. Takahashi.
“But 先生, I want you to know something…” Dean hesitated, for this is might be the chance for her…
“はい?” asked Mr. Takahashi waiting for her continue impatiently.
“This assignment wasn’t done by me. It was originally done by Lee Jun’ichi”
“Ehh?” Mr. Takahashi uttered his shock to what he just heard.
“I know this would be too much, but would you please help him continues his study again?”
Dean looked at him, as her eyes are filled with hope. She realized J has changed so much after this while – precisely, after he was chased out from his house and live by his own money and earnings. Mr. Takahashi looked at her and later his determination was made.
***
“Junji, what were you hiding from me… show it …” Dean was just home, and yet to find Junji is looking at something, quickly hides it at his back after noticing her presence.
“No…Nothing…if you still want it, come and take it by yourself!” as she tried to pull it from J’s back, she’s caught in J’s embrace before a kiss landed on her cheek.
“お誕生日おめでとう!” he wished and let out the thing he’s been hiding from her – a small paper-made blue box.
“Junji…are you happy to see me in tears?” Dean can’t take it anymore. He first started from doing her assignment, and now even prepared a birthday gift. J smiled, opened the lit of the box and took a silver necklace from it.
“I never promised not to make you cry, but I’ve promised you I’ll try my best to make you happy…aren’t you happy now Dean? Though you’re in tears, uhm?” he said, while putting on the necklace onto her neck before continued…
“I bought this using my own money, from baito that I’ve been doing along these months. It’s just nothing…”
“How could it be nothing? The efforts you put to have this by your own…worth more than a life for me” she hugged him, indirectly thanking him for the necklace.
“ね…Junji…” Dean paused as she’s playing with the necklace.
“Uhm? What’s now? Don’t tell me you want something else?” his naughty side is back.
“Junji! I’m serius” Dean pouted, as she gave him a light punch to his chest. J burst into laughter, before he could ask,
“Ok…ok..ごめん. 何?” he looked straight into her eyes.
“I went to Mr. Takahashi and submitted the assignment. He asked you to come and meet him this Monday” Dean said, while not looking at him, still playing with her necklace.
“Eh? For what?” his face turned serious.
“I told him you did my assignment and asked him if he could help you continuing your study again…I’m sorry for my arbitrary… but”
“Dean…you have helped me too much. I don’t dare to receive anymore…”
“I’m not doing something to get something in reply… please….” She begged, but there’s few words left unspoken inside her heart…
“For it might be the last help from me…”
“分かった. I’ll go meet him then, ok?”
***
Day Sixth of the marriage
The lectures were over for today. J and Dean left the lecture hall before they went to separate ways; J is heading to Mr. Takahashi’s room, for thanking his help while Dean is heading to Uncle Hashimoto’s stall, leaving for her baito.
At the college, while J stepped out of Mr. Takahashi’s room,
“Jun, 久しぶり!” someone called from his back. J stopped. He can tell who is the owner of the voice without even glance at her.
“What is another lie you’ve created that brought you here?” J jerked out at her.
“I am sorry. Please don’t say that to me. I came to congratulate you this time…” she paused, and continued,
“ご結婚おめでとう!” as she glanced at the ring on his ring finger.
“Ah, got it” he said as he continued walking.
“Jun! Please accept my apologies, for what I’ve done…”she just wanted to make the conversation longer, while she’s actually has nothing left to say.
Meanwhile, Dean that is heading to her baito place, met the 5 unknown men. And for unknown reason, she was beaten to death again. She fell to the ground and lying helplessly. She uttered J’s name, as to call for his help, but he’s nowhere insight. Her sight slowly fading into blurry images, but she could see someone’s waiting in the car is familiar to her eyes…
And J at the college at the same time had already left Mirai and exiting the main entrance of the college. He’s rushing to Uncle Hashimoto’s stall, without knowing what’s happening to his wife. He bumped into a student and dropped the lockets – the sapphire-blue and ruby-red that locked together is now apart, as the ruby-red one is off from the necklace…
What could this means? Is there something wrong with Dean?
J didn’t have a good feeling over it. As he’s passing one road, he saw a bunch of people gathered, formed a small crowd. He wants to move forward, but his eyes refused to left the crowd before he found out someone is bleeding, lain on the road – who is Dean. His legs are shivering, his mind is blank, but his nerves moved his body towards the crowd, carrying the unconscious Dean in his arms, heading to the nearest hospital.
***
Dean is lying numb on her bed, while J is sitting next to her, holding her hand. The warm liquids wet his eyes since they reached the hospital few while ago.
Why must this happen to you? Not me? Why must you take the all the sufferings & pains because of me? Why? I myself had trouble you more than enough… this is the second time I saw you lying like this. First, when I still knew nothing about the true you, and now, after we are one… My Goodness, I knew she will leave me one day, but please spare her life a little longer. I beg You… I haven’t done anything yet to make her happy… for she deserves to live her fullest in these very last days of her life… for she can’t afford to have it in her past… please…
Dean opened her eyes slowly, as she felt something fell on her cheek – J’s tears, as he’s sitting very close to her now. She stared weakly at those red eyes that looking at her, helplessly. She tried to say something, but he can heard nothing more than a mumble. He didn’t force her to repeat what she said, instead he whispered this;
“Now that we’re here,… now that we’ve came this far. Just hold on, there’s nothing to fear, for I am right beside you… for all my life, I am yours.”
Dean looked at him with her teary eyes, yet when she blinks the tears fell off to her cheeks fast. J took out the lockets from his pocket. He returned the ruby-red locket to her, and said,
“I return this to you for a while. Gain your strength back as you’ve did for the past 12 years… I believe, you can do it” J’s leaving the ward after he gave her a kiss… perhaps the last.
He’s feeling dizzy as he donated some blood for Dean, and he doesn’t want to show his weak side to her. Besides, he had something to settle up. He walked fast, tried to be strong against his dizziness and left to a place where he should not to return to…
***
“Are you happy now I’m here before you? Isn’t it what you want? You chased, but earlier you’d expected me to come and kneel before you, begging you to take back what is done and follow your rules?! Who or what am I to you? Your servant? Your dogs that just follow what you commanded?” J blurted them out as soon as he opened the door of Mr. Lee’s office room.
“うるさい! Didn’t I tell you not to come back here anymore?” Mr. Lee shouted at him.
“Ah. I’m not coming back to you, don’t you even try to think I’m here to tell I’m regretting the things I’ve done. But I can’t just sit down and wait until you take her life away!”
“You talked rubbish! I knew nothing about what you trying to say!”
“Heh. What else you want? Don’t you have more than enough? What else you want to take from me? My life, my happiness, my freedom, my future…and now my wife!? You’re the most evil devil I knew, Mr. Lee!”
“何だと?” Mr. Lee stood up from his chair, approaching J and about to give him a slap but J gave him a punch on his face before he could say or do nothing. And Uncle Dan that just arrived rushed and tried to stop J.
“Junji, stop doing this to your dad, please my son!” said Uncle Dan as he grabbed both of J’s arms with his all effort.
“父ちゃん, let me do this for the last. I knew I’m a bad son, but I need to tell him this…” J paused and calmed himself, taking a very deep breath into him before he continued,
“Mr. Lee, are you still remember the things from 12 years ago? When your wife left you forever with an only son?” Mr. Lee stunned to hear that words.
“How was your feeling at that time? How have you spent your days soon after she left? How was the pain? How were them???” J cried, looking straight into him. He never talked this much to him for these 12 years.
“やめろ!” Mr. Lee shouted back at J as he refused to hear anymore.
“痛いだろ? Wasn’t it hurt to see your love leaving you alone? そうだろ??? Are you trying to let the same thing happened to your son? Tell me!! Are you satisfied now?? Dean is your daughter-in-law…if you still considered me as your son, and I swear she’s my first and last. You can’t change me, DAD. You’ve failed” J finished his words leaving Mr. Lee standing astounded. No just at the fact his son is married to the girl he asked his men to finish her off, but also to the way J called him “dad” just now…
***
J is just back to the ward. He was shocked and stood still few meters away before Dean’s ward to see she was pushed out on the stretcher by few nurses, lain helplessly under the white blanket covering her body up to her face. Her right hand is hanging down from the stretcher, holding the ruby-red locket he returned just now. He called out her name again and again, but just to find no answers neither her response to him. He tried to get himself into the nurses but some other nurses stopped him. J fell off to the floor as he can’t believe what he’s seeing. The stretcher is leaving him farther and farther…it was a forever farewell…
“No!!! Tell me this is just a dream…” J cried as loud as he can, but nothing’s changed….
***
A week later, …
“Junji, come and have your breakfast my dear” Mrs. Yoshida knocked on his door few times, but there were no answers from inside.
So that she entered the unlocked room and found J is standing beside the window, leaning his body against the wall as he’s staring to the outside. No more tears seen on his face today, but he looked miserable.
“Come on dear. You haven’t eaten anything since …” Mrs. Yoshida stopped her words there. She tried to avoid stating the fact Dean is gone, so that she pulled this poor boy into her embrace, holds him tight. Anything in the room would remind him of her, make the things much more difficult than the real it is.
“Aunty…” he called in his sinking voice.
“Tell me what should I do?” He began to tears again. He is much more fragile than himself, 12 years ago. Mrs. Yoshida released her hold before she lifted a letter from her apron’s pocket and hands it to him.
“Take a look at this… she left this for you, but she asked me to hand it to you if something happened to her” J took the envelope filled with a letter, before Mrs. Yoshida said,
“Be strong, my dear” as soon as Mrs. Yoshida left the room, J opened it and read the handwrote letter which written,
“My dear Junji,
I don’t know where to start, but I’m glad I met you again. Remember you asked me, why I chose Japan to further my studies? I can’t tell you straight away at that time, but it’s actually you. You and the memories you left 12 years ago, still lingering on me. I decided to risk myself finding you, but I never expected more than just to meet you again, for so many things have changed me from Hikari that you knew once in your childhood. Thanks. I’ve got back my happiness that I used to have 12 years ago. Though it’s so short but it’s more than enough…you finally fulfilled your promise to your mom, you’re a good boy. Now, I’d ask you to promise me one thing, since I never asked you to promise me any before, will you dear? Please continue living in happiness, no matter what is happens next. It’ll keep spinning dear – our wheels of life, so it’s normal to have ups and downs. Everything will have its opposite, as to keep the balance. You’ll be strong through them, as you learned from your life experiences. I know you will need a better start, so I leave this to you. Feel free to use it the way you like. Uhm, I mustn’t say this, as you may take it & spend them all with other girls later… ahh, I’m kidding! You’ve done a lot to me in the past, so now I’m returning them to you.
Yours, Dean.”
A few teardrops fell onto the letter and blurred a few words on it. Wiping them off, J checked what’s left in the envelope. He is stunned for a moment. It was Dean’s savings. Now that he understands it clearly, why Dean is still working hard on her baito although her study was fully sponsored by Mombusho, Japanese Government’s Scholarship…. All of her earnings were for him.
***
Mid of January, 2003
It was an early, fine morning when Mrs. Yoshida awakened by a sound made from the kitchen. J is up, preparing the breakfast. He’s already in his long sleeved white shirt which its sleeves now rolled to his elbow & long black trousers – formal dress, looks like he’s ready to off to college any moments later.
“どうしたのJunji?” Mrs. Yoshida asked as she brushed her eyes a little.
“Ah, ごめん. Did I awake you, aunty? J looked at her face, throwing a smile to her. Mrs. Yoshida halted, a little surprised to what her eyes bearing.
“Junji…” she approached as to have a better look at his face.
“大丈夫よaunty. I know what I’m doing. I’m fine…I’ll be back late afternoon, so don’t wait for me k? Have your lunch first, uhm?” J said, as he’s wrapping his sandwiches into a package. Mrs. Yoshida stood still but her eyes began to tears. She knew it was Dean’s letter to change him back to what he should be, so she hugged him tight, before saying,
“いってらっしゃい, Junji!” her tears fell off her cheek, but she smiled in happiness.
***
“はい、どうぞ” said the Principal. J is holding a white envelope in his right hand. He entered as he received the permission to do so. He lowered his head as she stood in front of the Principal, before he hands him the envelope. He waited until the Principal read the contents, before he uttered his words,
“Please have your consideration.宜しくお願い致します” he bowed once. The determination was the result of his deep thinking, for the past days and nights after he read Dean’s letter.
“I accept your request. But could you please tell me your reason?” asked the Principal, looking at him intensely. J hesitated for a moment, gaining his strength to tell the truth.
“I can’t save my loved one, so in order not to let the same sad story repeated in other’s life; I want to be a successful doctor, try my best to save one’s life, for he/she might be someone’s special and his/her presence is important as important as a hold to one’s life…” he bowed once again before he left the Principle’s room. He has asked to change his department – from Economic to Medical School….
***
J’s heading to the grass hill where he & Dean used to spend their times a lot together at the college. He first looked around the place later threw his sight to the opposite side of the hill. It was a very beautiful scene, where he could see the scenery of the entire city.
Why I didn’t realize it before? It’s beautiful and soothing… Maybe it’s because she’s more beautiful and soothing than this… Now she’s gone, but her memories and what she taught me are living, last here forever… Dean, I transferred to Medical School today. I’ve decided. Stay here; give me all your supports, ok? It must be a very hard start for me, but I guess you’re right. Everything is difficult since we’re not used to it…but after we’re used to it, nothing’s impossible, right? Until then, my dear…talk to you soon…
J took a look at Dean’s photo he attached to the very front page of his diary, before he closed it and walked out of Economic Department. Farewell my past, farewell my sadness…
=== THE END ===
