No Promises : ルミの日記
Foreword
Mid of May, 2011
A decade is like a split second to me. Now when I’m sitting here and reminiscing the old memories back 10 years ago, they were all warm and alive, just like yesterday…
運命の出会い
Mid of May, 2001
I heard a sound, sharp and short like a tin can hitting the marble floor. Oh, it’s probably my canned tuna. I might have slipped it out from the basket. I bend my knees, slowly until I can feel my fingers touching the floor then carefully but randomly I move my hands, searching for the can. I was stopped. My search lasts only few seconds. A rough palm touched my wrist. My reflex doesn’t fret towards the touch, just a little surprised to realize that it came from a guy. It must be a guy. Rough, warm but I knew it is kind. The other hand of him gathered mine, before he hands me the can.
“はい、どうぞ” he said, very low and deep as if he doesn’t want others to know he is here.
“ありがとうございます” I replied, slowly pulling my hands back.
“お住まいはどこですか？” he asked right after I paid my groceries.
I can see that he’s trying to bring the bag fully stuffed that I’m holding now. I tighten my grip. It’s nice to receive people kindness once at a time, not twice, so I say,
“すぐそこです” I curved up my lips a bit, trying to ensure him I’m fine doing it myself.
“よかったら、お送りましょうか？” he paused a few split second, then continue,
“って言っても、俺は乗り物なんももってないから。お家までお付き合いさせて、歩きましょうか？” he offered. For some reason I didn’t refuse.
***
“今日は本当にありがとうございます” I lowered my head a little.
“とんでもないです。せっかく俺がいるのに、ルミさんを一人でさせるのをちょっと…俺暇だし” he said while returning the grocery bag to me.
“あの…よろしければ。お茶ぐらい入れますから” I offer, just to be nice to the person that being nice to me.
“いや、でも…”
“私の気持です。お礼だと思ってくれないかしら？” I cut him in the middle, smiling a little, though I am not sure if he even looking at me.
“あっ、はい” he faked a chuckle.
I walked in first, leading him to my house before I hear Mrs. Yoshikawa, my neighbor since I moved here couple of years ago – calling my name – She’s living with her husband. They both have been taking care of me like their own child. I told her about what happened in the supermarket just now.
“あら。君はカッコもいいし優しいし” said Mrs. Yoshikawa, referring those to Akira, the guy I brought home. The first guy ever in my life I brought home.
I start to wonder how he looks like after she mentioned it. But, I just left the two continued their conversation while I get myself inside first.
“どうぞ” I placed the cup carefully. I can feel that he’s been staring at me all the way since he got in. The silence crept in. I really don’t know how to talk with guys. Well maybe I don’t even know how to talk with anybody, except Mrs. Yoshikawa. She’s the only friend I have.
My thought was disturbed when I heard a long fierce growl. I placed my palm lightly onto my stomach, worrying that the sound came from mine. I heard he rushed to finish the tea from the sound of the lump in his throat. I smiled of thought that he’s trying to hide it was his, growling in hunger.
“もうお昼ですもんね。私は何か作りますから、ちょっと待ってて”
“えっ？”
I know now he’s pressing his stomach hard, preventing the growls from leaking again. I replied him nothing but a light chuckle.
“あ、俺、手伝おうか？”
“うん“
We talked, a lot. Honestly, I’m surprised with myself. All the braveness to let a guy into my house, to let him help me like this, to talk about each other like this… where’d it came from?
“彬さんって、今お仕事何をしてるんですか？”
“俺は今無職人。先月辞めたんだ。会社にちょっと問題を起こしちゃったから、それで辞めさせられたんだ”
“そうか。新しい仕事を見つけるのも大変ですね。働いた事のない私には、こんな事を言える筋は無いんですけど”
“そんなことない。で、一つ聞いていい？ルミさんって何教？イスラム、かな？”
“はい、そうです”
“で、イスラム教の女の子がこれを被らないとダメですか？” he meant to say my hijab as he pulled it twice very gently, just to make sure I get it.
“うん。彬さんは男だから、家内の私でもこれを被らないとダメです” I explain.
“えー、そうなんだ。あっ、俺の事、「彬」でいいよ。俺も今後、ルミと呼ぶから。それで…いいよね？” he sounds a bit worried of his friendliness might be unwelcomed.
“うん。分かりましたよ、彬” I chuckled to myself before he burst into laugh.
***
不思議な気持ち
End of May, 2001
Time goes by. It’s clearly there is nothing between Akira and me. Yet. But I can’t help to hope that I would see him again. No. I can’t even see him. I don’t even know his face, because I’m blind. It would be nice if such a good boy will stay forever be my friend. I am tired of being all by myself. Oh God! What am I thinking? Isn’t it too obvious? We are like the sky & the earth. Whenever the distance started to shrink, it’s still one step too far. All right. At least let me hear his voice again, the spell that casted to me on that day to change me this much. Am I changed? Or I’m simply missing him?
I just finished my breakfast. A cup of hot white coffee with an apple. Don’t laugh at me. I need caffeine to help me stay awake till noon. And I need vitamins for my body. Specifically for my eyes, I never gave up the hope to regain my sight. I won’t take heavy meals in the morning, it’d be equal as if I didn’t have my coffee. And then I heard a light buzz on my wall. I wonder who is standing in front of the door now. Must be someone else than Mrs. Yoshikawa.
I stepped slowly towards the door and unlock it. As soon as I revealed myself, the familiar one voiced himself.
“邪魔？” he asked. Almost whispering. I shake my head to the right and then to the left. My lips betrayed me by curving a smile.
“こんな朝早く来て、ごめん” he sounds nervous. I don’t know, but I’m curious to know why. I smiled, again. Guess I’m too easy to be read when I’m happy about something.
“あーあっ！これ” he handed me a bag of oranges. I can smell the citrus fragrance, so refreshing. He’s good at this – to find something that we can do it together. We’d still have the awkward feeling if we just sit & talk. I bet the talk won’t even last for a minute. But with this oranges, it might be different.
I rinsed the oranges and served them in a bowl. I didn’t put the bowl on the table, instead I purposely placed it between us. Oh, it’s just my instinct that told me he won’t take the other after finishing one; if I put the bowl on the table.
“ごめんね…” he didn’t finish his line.
“うん？” I let him continue, but I figured what the” sorry” for.
“う～うん。気持ちだけでもありがたいんです” I said, trying to be as honest as I could. He let out a sigh. As subtle as almost impossible to be heard, before he continued,
“でもルミさんの元気な姿を見て、俺は安心した。本当はそれだけの理由で会いに来た” he said. I swallowed fast the orange I peeled just now. My cheeks are burning.
“ありがとう” I felt as my head is heavier than stone. I wonder how would I react if I can see him with my very eyes now.
What is this? What is this feeling? It seemed that I know the answer but everytime the voice within trying to say it, I shake all the thoughts away. No, it’s just he’s being too nice. Everyone would like the nice ones.
Again, time is slipping away. He came & he goes. But the things we did together, the simplest thing ever like eating fresh orange together, were huge to me. Maybe because I never had a guy in my life, dead in my extreme shyness all these while. But now I’m different. Would it be a sin to have a thought like this? To have a thought toward a guy like him?…
***
世の終わり
Early Dec, 2001
“はい、これ”
“何、これ？” I touched a thin paper. It’s not a letter and I don’t think it’s a card either. It’s not my birthday and even if it is, he won’t give me something like this. I fought with my own thoughts. I am surely no good at guessing.
“俺の写真。嫌がらせじゃないよ。いつか、ルミがまた見えるようになったら、俺の不細工顔でも見たくなるんだろから” he said, trying hard to suppress his laughter, even though I know he meant all of his words. I laughed a little.
“不細工ね。冗談でもウソでもほどほどにしなさいよ、彬。吉河さんだって彬の事めちゃめちゃ褒めてるんじゃないか。娘むこにしたいぐらいカッコよくて、いい男だ、とか言ったりして” I laughed when I recall the day Mrs. Yoshikawa first met Akira.
She was so excited. But then I realized it was about half a year ago. How time has passed since I met this guy.
“もう半年かぁ…” I was surprised that my thought just slipped to my mouth.
“えっ？”
“彬と出会った日から、もう半年が過ぎた” I paused, hoping that he’d jump in with his funny saying but he didn’t.
“半年過ぎたけど、次の半年も、これからも、ずっとずっと彬が私の友達にいてくれたらいいなぁ。ずっとずっと優しい彬でいて…” I continued.
This time I really mean it. I meant to say it out loud, even once.
He didn’t say a thing. Just a creepy silence filling the air between us.
“彬？聞いてる？” Now that I’m worried if I said something unnecessary.
Seconds passed before he gathered my hands in his. Oh my. He never did this. Not in the past 6 months. I was pulled to him, as close as I can feel his heartbeat, not in rhythm, chaotic. While I’m still in the state of analyzing what’s really going on, I was pulled again. Now my hands are on his shoulders, one on each. I can feel his hair brushing against my skin. What’s happening?
Akira, what are you doing? Release me, please. You know I hate this. And you never did a thing that I hate. Not a single thing. Tell me this is just a joke, a bit too much, but it still a joke.
I thought I’ve screamed “Stop Akira, stop!” as loud as I can, but when I’m back to my sense it’s just all my tears that running unstoppable. My bare skin chilled when the air touched it. Then it burnt when his skin traced it.
He left without a word. It’s painful. I’m fatally wounded, by heart. Why did he betray me? Was it just to lure me to this is the purpose of him being nice all this months? I don’t want to be a sinner, so I wouldn’t simply say so. But I’m hurt.
***
地獄と天国の間
Mid Dec, 2001
A week passed. I kept myself locked in house, traumatized by what happened on that day. The day he acted so strange, that I should say it wasn’t him. It’s just a stranger who barged in my house, pretending to be him. That’s why he can do something horrible like that to me, taking advantage on someone weak like me.
There’s no news, nothing from him. Reluctantly, I kept rewinding the things happened on that day. I tried to find if there’s any clue… any clue for me to forgive him. Did I say something harsh to him? Something hurtful that drove him mad to insanely do such thing to me?
Another week passed. Mrs. Yoshikawa came this morning. I asked her about Akira, if she happened to see him at the supermarket or somewhere near this recent. I’m disappointed to hear the answer is no. Yes I’m wounded by the same person, but I have the right to know the truth. Was he lost his mind on that day? Was he drunk? Was there anything happened to him earlier that he kept it from me? At least the Akira I knew will come to apologize, even for the tiniest mistake he ever did. If he’s the same Akira I knew…
And Mrs. Yoshikawa gave me a letter from a hospital in town. She said they had a donator – eyes for me. I asked who the noble donator is, but Mrs. Yoshikawa said the letter stated it was the donator’s will to keep it unknown. The donator is dead, and the surgeries and the medical fee were all on his, according to Mrs. Yoshikawa. So I’m receiving them all for free. I don’t know what to say. I know I should be happy as this is one of my wishes – to see the world that I never had a chance to see. I have waited all my life for this, but somehow not a thing about it triggered my excitement. I had a huge lump in my chest and I don’t know to who and how to explain it. I still haven’t spoke of anything about what happened between Akira & me on that day to Mrs. Yoshikawa…
3 days later,
After giving myself a deep thought, I made my decision. In the God’s will, it will give me peaceful mind & life and also bring all the goods for me & people around me, especially Mrs. Yoshikawa. I’m going to accept the offer from the hospital.
I didn’t remember much of the process. It’s like I was in the different world during the surgeries and medications. All I know when I opened my eyes that morning, I can see the doctor, the nurses and Mrs. Yoshikawa standing in front of me, smiling in tears. Now I can see how beautiful the world is and even more, I might see how cruel the world could be…
***
立ち直すの一歩へ
Early March, 2002
After 2 months in hospital for the rehabilitation program and all, today I was allowed to go home. All praises to Him. I can’t wait to be home, again. Mrs. Yoshikawa keeps me accompanied. We had a silence journey on the way back here, until she hands me an envelope. I was wondering what’s inside and who’s from,
“それ、彬君から” she said in hesitant.
“えっ？” I’m confused.
“ルミちゃん、ごめんね。あたしはウソをついた。彬君に頼まれて、ルミに何も言わないでくれって。本当に、ごめんなさい！” said Mrs. Yoshikawa that already in tears. Still confused, I opened the unsealed envelope and began to read the letter, with the help of Mrs. Yoshikawa. My eyes still itchy and achy if I forced them too hard and it’s no good for them, at least for another 2 or 3 months.
The letter said,
ルミちゃんへ、
ルミがこの手紙を読んでいる時には、俺はもうこの世にいない。それに、変に聞こえるかもしれないけど、この手紙を読んでいるルミは、俺の目で読んでいるのよな。
本当の事を黙って、ルミから隠して悪く思っている。ルミにあんな事までして、俺を許さなくたって当然だ。あの日、俺は本当の事を言いに来ただけ、ルミに会った。実は俺はガンで、残り生きられる日がほんの少ししか無いって。俺はこの世を消えてから、この目をルミにあげると、ガンを罹っている、知った日に決めたのだ。なのに、ルミがあんな事を言ってから、自分をコントロール出来なくなった。悔しくて、情けなく思いながら、俺はこの手紙を書くことにした。
ルミは俺が優しいと言っただろう？実は俺、優しいでも何でもない。親の言う事を逆らって、家を出た。就職先に詐欺をして、仕事を辞めさせられた事までをした。最低の人間だ。スーパーでルミと会った日に、俺はルミの財布を盗もうとした。近づいたら、缶ツナが落ちたところを見て、拾い上げるのを助けたけど、別の目的だった。優しいのはルミだ。こんな情けない俺を変えてくれた。生き続ける日が少ししかないと知った日から、俺は決めた。ルミに役立つになれる事なら、一つでもいいから、俺はやる。ルミを傷づけるような事を絶対しない、と誓ったのに傷つけてしまったよな。許してくれ。
俺だって、一生ルミのそばにいたい。いるつもりだったから、俺の目を受け取ってくれ。ほんの一部だけだが、ルミが生きる限り俺が付いている。これから、ルミは精一杯頑張って生きてほしい。ルミなら出来るよ、きっと。俺だってルミに助かったんだ。ありがとう。
彬より
I don’t know what to say. I lost my words. I stare at the letter blankly. Tears welled up in my eyes blurred my vision. Then they keep running down my cheeks, just like that day. Just, it’s now the tears from Akira’s eyes. Now I know why. Now I know, everything.
Mrs. Yoshikawa stiffened besides me. She’s covering her whole face with her both hands, wailing as if she’s in pain. It’s indeed hurting, to know all this truth after he’s no longer in this world.
I tried hard to find my way back to be calmed. And then Mrs. Yoshikawa spoke up,
“あの子は知ってた。ルミは絶対受け取らないって。もしあの子自身でどれだけルミを説得しても、どうにもならない。だから態々あたしに預けてもらったんだ”
“彬はこのように泣きたかったんだろう。思い切って、自分の悔しさを涙と共に流したかった” I said before a teardrop spilled on my cheek. Mrs. Yoshikawa gave me a question look in her eyes and I told her everything. Everything.
“あんな事があったの？？？ルミ大丈夫？体に異変なんかない？” asked Mrs. Yoshikawa, worried.
“大丈夫。もう２ヶ月経ったけど、何も無かったから” I try to reassure her, but I’m the one who needs to be assured that I’m ok with the fact that I just knew.
I hid my face into her chest and cried as loud as I could. She holds me as tight as she could, as if I’m a cracked pieces, waiting to fall.
***
Mrs. Yoshikawa left after I stopped crying. Now I felt so weary and weak. I remember the photo Akira gave me … on that day. I don’t know where this feeling came from, but I feel that I’ll regain my strength if I can see the photo. I looked on my bookshelf, there is one old diary that I used to slip inside almost everything. The photo might be there. There were so many kind of papers I slipped in – people’s addresses & telephone numbers, scenery pictures, birthday cards that I never had a chance to read or see,… and finally a photo. The photo that I’m looking for.
A guy in his casual T and jeans with dark-brown hair that touches his shoulder… the hair that once brushed against my hands. No! I’m not recalling it back. A few drops of sweat smeared on my forehead. I shut my eyes as soon as the memories reappear. What’s the point of running away from the fact? I even have a part of him with me now – his eyes. I’m now looking at his picture with his eyes.
新しい命
The next day,
I’m not feeling well. My head’s spinning. And I’m completely lost my appetite. Guess this was the result of crying too much yesterday. Mrs. Yoshikawa invited me to have lunch with her today. Maybe she’s still worrying about me.
The nausea is getting worse after I’m out of bed. Oh no! I can’t go to Mrs. Yoshikawa’s home like this, I’ll worried her. I tried to walk myself out of my room. I was about to call Mrs. Yoshikawa to tell her that I couldn’t come today but she’s appeared in front of my door before I could do anything.
“ルミ、顔色悪いね。大丈夫？” she asked. I felt like vomiting before I could answer anything, so I dashed to bathroom and Mrs. Yoshikawa followed me.
“あの…ごめん。私…”
“ルミ…” she hung up the sentence as if she’s doubting something before she continued,
“ルミ、もしかして…” she hung it again, but this time we exchanged look. I shiver towards the thoughts already playing in my mind. It couldn’t be! I halted in moment, trying to compose myself.
“ルミ、彬君と最後に会ったのはいつ？” she asked as if to clarify her thought. Indeed that thing happened on the last day we ever met.
“それは…” I hesitated.
It’s more than two months ago. I have no strength to say it out loud. I know she already know what I’m about to tell. And it’s almost no doubt at all.
I have a new life in me.
***
たった一つの約束
Early June, 2011
I was looking back at the old diaries I wrote before Yuuki was born. Yuuki, son of Akira & me. I’m no longer shiver to the memories on that day. No trembling hands nor sweat palms neither chilled spine. They were just parts of me & my life. I’m so immersed in my thoughts until I heard,
“ただいま、母ちゃん” said Yuuki.
“お帰り、ユウキ” I replied, sitting still on the floor with the old diary resting on my lap, laid wide open. Akira’s photo on top.
“うわ―カッコいい！この人、誰？” asked Yuuki, full of excitement.
“ユウキのお父さんだよ” I curved up my lips while caressing Yuuki’s hair.
“本当？” Yuuki halted in silence, caressing the photo of the one he should call ‘dad’ with his teary eyes. I know how he feels, growing up without a father at his side.
“父ちゃんはね、いい人だ。母ちゃんに、目とユウキを下れたのよ” I broke the silence.
“目？” he asked, brushing his eyes with his tiny fingers. Obviously, he easily tears. Just like his father. Just like me.
“うん。母ちゃん、生まれた時から目が見えないの。それで、ユウキの父ちゃんと出会って、亡くなる前に自分の目を母ちゃんに下れるって。父ちゃんもユウキの事を見守りたかったのかな？私達と一緒に暮らせる事が出来なくても、こうやって、ずっとずっと母ちゃんとユウキを見る事が出来るからね？”
One yet another tear ball dropped on my cheeks, like pearls that loosen from its lace and I don’t bother to wipe them away. I hold Yuuki tightly in my embrace and let myself drowned in tears and memories.
私は今、幸せだ。ありがとう、彬。あなたが下れたものを一生大事にするから。それだけを約束する。
