Foreword

Mid of May, 2011

A decade is like a split second to me. Now when I’m sitting here and reminiscing the old memories back 10 years ago, they were all warm and alive, just like yesterday…

運命の出会い

Mid of May, 2001

I heard a sound, sharp and short like a tin can hitting the marble floor. Oh, it’s probably my canned tuna. I might have slipped it out from the basket. I bend my knees, slowly until I can feel my fingers touching the floor then carefully but randomly I move my hands, searching for the can. I was stopped. My search lasts only few seconds. A rough palm touched my wrist. My reflex doesn’t fret towards the touch, just a little surprised to realize that it came from a guy. It must be a guy. Rough, warm but I knew it is kind. The other hand of him gathered mine, before he hands me the can.

“はい、どうぞ” he said, very low and deep as if he doesn’t want others to know he is here.

“ありがとうございます” I replied, slowly pulling my hands back.

“お住まいはどこですか？” he asked right after I paid my groceries.

I can see that he’s trying to bring the bag fully stuffed that I’m holding now. I tighten my grip. It’s nice to receive people kindness once at a time, not twice, so I say,

“すぐそこです” I curved up my lips a bit, trying to ensure him I’m fine doing it myself.

“よかったら、お送りましょうか？” he paused a few split second, then continue,

“って言っても、俺は乗り物なんももってないから。お家までお付き合いさせて、歩きましょうか？” he offered. For some reason I didn’t refuse.

***

“今日は本当にありがとうございます” I lowered my head a little.

“とんでもないです。せっかく俺がいるのに、ルミさんを一人でさせるのをちょっと…俺暇だし” he said while returning the grocery bag to me.

“あの…よろしければ。お茶ぐらい入れますから” I offer, just to be nice to the person that being nice to me.

“いや、でも…”

“私の気持です。お礼だと思ってくれないかしら？” I cut him in the middle, smiling a little, though I am not sure if he even looking at me.

“あっ、はい” he faked a chuckle.

I walked in first, leading him to my house before I hear Mrs. Yoshikawa, my neighbor since I moved here couple of years ago – calling my name – She’s living with her husband. They both have been taking care of me like their own child. I told her about what happened in the supermarket just now.

“あら。君はカッコもいいし優しいし” said Mrs. Yoshikawa, referring those to Akira, the guy I brought home. The first guy ever in my life I brought home.

I start to wonder how he looks like after she mentioned it. But, I just left the two continued their conversation while I get myself inside first.

“どうぞ” I placed the cup carefully. I can feel that he’s been staring at me all the way since he got in. The silence crept in. I really don’t know how to talk with guys. Well maybe I don’t even know how to talk with anybody, except Mrs. Yoshikawa. She’s the only friend I have.

My thought was disturbed when I heard a long fierce growl. I placed my palm lightly onto my stomach, worrying that the sound came from mine. I heard he rushed to finish the tea from the sound of the lump in his throat. I smiled of thought that he’s trying to hide it was his, growling in hunger.

“もうお昼ですもんね。私は何か作りますから、ちょっと待ってて”

“えっ？”

I know now he’s pressing his stomach hard, preventing the growls from leaking again. I replied him nothing but a light chuckle.

“あ、俺、手伝おうか？”

“うん“

We talked, a lot. Honestly, I’m surprised with myself. All the braveness to let a guy into my house, to let him help me like this, to talk about each other like this… where’d it came from?

“彬さんって、今お仕事何をしてるんですか？”

“俺は今無職人。先月辞めたんだ。会社にちょっと問題を起こしちゃったから、それで辞めさせられたんだ”

“そうか。新しい仕事を見つけるのも大変ですね。働いた事のない私には、こんな事を言える筋は無いんですけど”

“そんなことない。で、一つ聞いていい？ルミさんって何教？イスラム、かな？”

“はい、そうです”

“で、イスラム教の女の子がこれを被らないとダメですか？” he meant to say my hijab as he pulled it twice very gently, just to make sure I get it.

“うん。彬さんは男だから、家内の私でもこれを被らないとダメです” I explain.

“えー、そうなんだ。あっ、俺の事、「彬」でいいよ。俺も今後、ルミと呼ぶから。それで…いいよね？” he sounds a bit worried of his friendliness might be unwelcomed.

“うん。分かりましたよ、彬” I chuckled to myself before he burst into laugh.

***

不思議な気持ち

End of May, 2001

Time goes by. It’s clearly there is nothing between Akira and me. Yet. But I can’t help to hope that I would see him again. No. I can’t even see him. I don’t even know his face, because I’m blind. It would be nice if such a good boy will stay forever be my friend. I am tired of being all by myself. Oh God! What am I thinking? Isn’t it too obvious? We are like the sky & the earth. Whenever the distance started to shrink, it’s still one step too far. All right. At least let me hear his voice again, the spell that casted to me on that day to change me this much. Am I changed? Or I’m simply missing him?

I just finished my breakfast. A cup of hot white coffee with an apple. Don’t laugh at me. I need caffeine to help me stay awake till noon. And I need vitamins for my body. Specifically for my eyes, I never gave up the hope to regain my sight. I won’t take heavy meals in the morning, it’d be equal as if I didn’t have my coffee. And then I heard a light buzz on my wall. I wonder who is standing in front of the door now. Must be someone else than Mrs. Yoshikawa.

I stepped slowly towards the door and unlock it. As soon as I revealed myself, the familiar one voiced himself.

“邪魔？” he asked. Almost whispering. I shake my head to the right and then to the left. My lips betrayed me by curving a smile.

“こんな朝早く来て、ごめん” he sounds nervous. I don’t know, but I’m curious to know why. I smiled, again. Guess I’m too easy to be read when I’m happy about something.

“あーあっ！これ” he handed me a bag of oranges. I can smell the citrus fragrance, so refreshing. He’s good at this – to find something that we can do it together. We’d still have the awkward feeling if we just sit & talk. I bet the talk won’t even last for a minute. But with this oranges, it might be different.

I rinsed the oranges and served them in a bowl. I didn’t put the bowl on the table, instead I purposely placed it between us. Oh, it’s just my instinct that told me he won’t take the other after finishing one; if I put the bowl on the table.

“ごめんね…” he didn’t finish his line.

“うん？” I let him continue, but I figured what the” sorry” for.

“う～うん。気持ちだけでもありがたいんです” I said, trying to be as honest as I could. He let out a sigh. As subtle as almost impossible to be heard, before he continued,

“でもルミさんの元気な姿を見て、俺は安心した。本当はそれだけの理由で会いに来た” he said. I swallowed fast the orange I peeled just now. My cheeks are burning.

“ありがとう” I felt as my head is heavier than stone. I wonder how would I react if I can see him with my very eyes now.

What is this? What is this feeling? It seemed that I know the answer but everytime the voice within trying to say it, I shake all the thoughts away. No, it’s just he’s being too nice. Everyone would like the nice ones.

Again, time is slipping away. He came & he goes. But the things we did together, the simplest thing ever like eating fresh orange together, were huge to me. Maybe because I never had a guy in my life, dead in my extreme shyness all these while. But now I’m different. Would it be a sin to have a thought like this? To have a thought toward a guy like him?…

***

世の終わり

Early Dec, 2001

“はい、これ”

“何、これ？” I touched a thin paper. It’s not a letter and I don’t think it’s a card either. It’s not my birthday and even if it is, he won’t give me something like this. I fought with my own thoughts. I am surely no good at guessing.

“俺の写真。嫌がらせじゃないよ。いつか、ルミがまた見えるようになったら、俺の不細工顔でも見たくなるんだろから” he said, trying hard to suppress his laughter, even though I know he meant all of his words. I laughed a little.

“不細工ね。冗談でもウソでもほどほどにしなさいよ、彬。吉河さんだって彬の事めちゃめちゃ褒めてるんじゃないか。娘むこにしたいぐらいカッコよくて、いい男だ、とか言ったりして” I laughed when I recall the day Mrs. Yoshikawa first met Akira.

She was so excited. But then I realized it was about half a year ago. How time has passed since I met this guy.

“もう半年かぁ…” I was surprised that my thought just slipped to my mouth.

“えっ？”

“彬と出会った日から、もう半年が過ぎた” I paused, hoping that he’d jump　in with his funny saying but he didn’t.

“半年過ぎたけど、次の半年も、これからも、ずっとずっと彬が私の友達にいてくれたらいいなぁ。ずっとずっと優しい彬でいて…” I continued.

This time I really mean it. I meant to say it out loud, even once.

He didn’t say a thing. Just a creepy silence filling the air between us.

“彬？聞いてる？” Now that I’m worried if I said something unnecessary.

Seconds passed before he gathered my hands in his. Oh my. He never did this. Not in the past 6 months. I was pulled to him, as close as I can feel his heartbeat, not in rhythm, chaotic. While I’m still in the state of analyzing what’s really going on, I was pulled again. Now my hands are on his shoulders, one on each. I can feel his hair brushing against my skin. What’s happening?

Akira, what are you doing? Release me, please. You know I hate this. And you never did a thing that I hate. Not a single thing. Tell me this is just a joke, a bit too much, but it still a joke.

I thought I’ve screamed “Stop Akira, stop!” as loud as I can, but when I’m back to my sense it’s just all my tears that running unstoppable. My bare skin chilled when the air touched it. Then it burnt when his skin traced it.

He left without a word. It’s painful. I’m fatally wounded, by heart. Why did he betray me? Was it just to lure me to this is the purpose of him being nice all this months? I don’t want to be a sinner, so I wouldn’t simply say so. But I’m hurt.

***

地獄と天国の間

Mid Dec, 2001

A week passed. I kept myself locked in house, traumatized by what happened on that day. The day he acted so strange, that I should say it wasn’t him. It’s just a stranger who barged in my house, pretending to be him. That’s why he can do something horrible like that to me, taking advantage on someone weak like me.

There’s no news, nothing from him. Reluctantly, I kept rewinding the things happened on that day. I tried to find if there’s any clue… any clue for me to forgive him. Did I say something harsh to him? Something hurtful that drove him mad to insanely do such thing to me?

Another week passed. Mrs. Yoshikawa came this morning. I asked her about Akira, if she happened to see him at the supermarket or somewhere near this recent. I’m disappointed to hear the answer is no. Yes I’m wounded by the same person, but I have the right to know the truth. Was he lost his mind on that day? Was he drunk? Was there anything happened to him earlier that he kept it from me? At least the Akira I knew will come to apologize, even for the tiniest mistake he ever did. If he’s the same Akira I knew…

And Mrs. Yoshikawa gave me a letter from a hospital in town. She said they had a donator – eyes for me. I asked who the noble donator is, but Mrs. Yoshikawa said the letter stated it was the donator’s will to keep it unknown. The donator is dead, and the surgeries and the medical fee were all on his, according to Mrs. Yoshikawa. So I’m receiving them all for free. I don’t know what to say. I know I should be happy as this is one of my wishes – to see the world that I never had a chance to see. I have waited all my life for this, but somehow not a thing about it triggered my excitement. I had a huge lump in my chest and I don’t know to who and how to explain it. I still haven’t spoke of anything about what happened between Akira & me on that day to Mrs. Yoshikawa…

3 days later,

After giving myself a deep thought, I made my decision. In the God’s will, it will give me peaceful mind & life and also bring all the goods for me & people around me, especially Mrs. Yoshikawa. I’m going to accept the offer from the hospital.

I didn’t remember much of the process. It’s like I was in the different world during the surgeries and medications. All I know when I opened my eyes that morning, I can see the doctor, the nurses and Mrs. Yoshikawa standing in front of me, smiling in tears. Now I can see how beautiful the world is and even more, I might see how cruel the world could be…

***

立ち直すの一歩へ

Early March, 2002

After 2 months in hospital for the rehabilitation program and all, today I was allowed to go home. All praises to Him. I can’t wait to be home, again. Mrs. Yoshikawa keeps me accompanied. We had a silence journey on the way back here, until she hands me an envelope. I was wondering what’s inside and who’s from,

“それ、彬君から” she said in hesitant.

“えっ？” I’m confused.

“ルミちゃん、ごめんね。あたしはウソをついた。彬君に頼まれて、ルミに何も言わないでくれって。本当に、ごめんなさい！” said Mrs. Yoshikawa that already in tears. Still confused, I opened the unsealed envelope and began to read the letter, with the help of Mrs. Yoshikawa. My eyes still itchy and achy if I forced them too hard and it’s no good for them, at least for another 2 or 3 months.

The letter said,

ルミちゃんへ、

ルミがこの手紙を読んでいる時には、俺はもうこの世にいない。それに、変に聞こえるかもしれないけど、この手紙を読んでいるルミは、俺の目で読んでいるのよな。

本当の事を黙って、ルミから隠して悪く思っている。ルミにあんな事までして、俺を許さなくたって当然だ。あの日、俺は本当の事を言いに来ただけ、ルミに会った。実は俺はガンで、残り生きられる日がほんの少ししか無いって。俺はこの世を消えてから、この目をルミにあげると、ガンを罹っている、知った日に決めたのだ。なのに、ルミがあんな事を言ってから、自分をコントロール出来なくなった。悔しくて、情けなく思いながら、俺はこの手紙を書くことにした。

ルミは俺が優しいと言っただろう？実は俺、優しいでも何でもない。親の言う事を逆らって、家を出た。就職先に詐欺をして、仕事を辞めさせられた事までをした。最低の人間だ。スーパーでルミと会った日に、俺はルミの財布を盗もうとした。近づいたら、缶ツナが落ちたところを見て、拾い上げるのを助けたけど、別の目的だった。優しいのはルミだ。こんな情けない俺を変えてくれた。生き続ける日が少ししかないと知った日から、俺は決めた。ルミに役立つになれる事なら、一つでもいいから、俺はやる。ルミを傷づけるような事を絶対しない、と誓ったのに傷つけてしまったよな。許してくれ。

俺だって、一生ルミのそばにいたい。いるつもりだったから、俺の目を受け取ってくれ。ほんの一部だけだが、ルミが生きる限り俺が付いている。これから、ルミは精一杯頑張って生きてほしい。ルミなら出来るよ、きっと。俺だってルミに助かったんだ。ありがとう。

彬より

I don’t know what to say. I lost my words. I stare at the letter blankly. Tears welled up in my eyes blurred my vision. Then they keep running down my cheeks, just like that day. Just, it’s now the tears from Akira’s eyes. Now I know why. Now I know, everything.

Mrs. Yoshikawa stiffened besides me. She’s covering her whole face with her both hands, wailing as if she’s in pain. It’s indeed hurting, to know all this truth after he’s no longer in this world.

I tried hard to find my way back to be calmed. And then Mrs. Yoshikawa spoke up,

“あの子は知ってた。ルミは絶対受け取らないって。もしあの子自身でどれだけルミを説得しても、どうにもならない。だから態々あたしに預けてもらったんだ”

“彬はこのように泣きたかったんだろう。思い切って、自分の悔しさを涙と共に流したかった” I said before a teardrop spilled on my cheek. Mrs. Yoshikawa gave me a question look in her eyes and I told her everything. Everything.

“あんな事があったの？？？ルミ大丈夫？体に異変なんかない？” asked Mrs. Yoshikawa, worried.

“大丈夫。もう２ヶ月経ったけど、何も無かったから” I try to reassure her, but I’m the one who needs to be assured that I’m ok with the fact that I just knew.

I hid my face into her chest and cried as loud as I could. She holds me as tight as she could, as if I’m a cracked pieces, waiting to fall.

***

Mrs. Yoshikawa left after I stopped crying. Now I felt so weary and weak. I remember the photo Akira gave me … on that day. I don’t know where this feeling came from, but I feel that I’ll regain my strength if I can see the photo. I looked on my bookshelf, there is one old diary that I used to slip inside almost everything. The photo might be there. There were so many kind of papers I slipped in – people’s addresses & telephone numbers, scenery pictures, birthday cards that I never had a chance to read or see,… and finally a photo. The photo that I’m looking for.

A guy in his casual T and jeans with dark-brown hair that touches his shoulder… the hair that once brushed against my hands. No! I’m not recalling it back. A few drops of sweat smeared on my forehead. I shut my eyes as soon as the memories reappear. What’s the point of running away from the fact? I even have a part of him with me now – his eyes. I’m now looking at his picture with his eyes.

新しい命

The next day,

I’m not feeling well. My head’s spinning. And I’m completely lost my appetite. Guess this was the result of crying too much yesterday. Mrs. Yoshikawa invited me to have lunch with her today. Maybe she’s still worrying about me.

The nausea is getting worse after I’m out of bed. Oh no! I can’t go to Mrs. Yoshikawa’s home like this, I’ll worried her. I tried to walk myself out of my room. I was about to call Mrs. Yoshikawa to tell her that I couldn’t come today but she’s appeared in front of my door before I could do anything.

“ルミ、顔色悪いね。大丈夫？” she asked. I felt like vomiting before I could answer anything, so I dashed to bathroom and Mrs. Yoshikawa followed me.

“あの…ごめん。私…”

“ルミ…” she hung up the sentence as if she’s doubting something before she continued,

“ルミ、もしかして…” she hung it again, but this time we exchanged look. I shiver towards the thoughts already playing in my mind. It couldn’t be! I halted in moment, trying to compose myself.

“ルミ、彬君と最後に会ったのはいつ？” she asked as if to clarify her thought. Indeed that thing happened on the last day we ever met.

“それは…” I hesitated.

It’s more than two months ago. I have no strength to say it out loud. I know she already know what I’m about to tell. And it’s almost no doubt at all.

I have a new life in me.

***

たった一つの約束

Early June, 2011

I was looking back at the old diaries I wrote before Yuuki was born. Yuuki, son of Akira & me. I’m no longer shiver to the memories on that day. No trembling hands nor sweat palms neither chilled spine. They were just parts of me & my life. I’m so immersed in my thoughts until I heard,

“ただいま、母ちゃん” said Yuuki.

“お帰り、ユウキ” I replied, sitting still on the floor with the old diary resting on my lap, laid wide open. Akira’s photo on top.

“うわ―カッコいい！この人、誰？” asked Yuuki, full of excitement.

“ユウキのお父さんだよ” I curved up my lips while caressing Yuuki’s hair.

“本当？” Yuuki halted in silence, caressing the photo of the one he should call ‘dad’ with his teary eyes. I know how he feels, growing up without a father at his side.

“父ちゃんはね、いい人だ。母ちゃんに、目とユウキを下れたのよ” I broke the silence.

“目？” he asked, brushing his eyes with his tiny fingers. Obviously, he easily tears. Just like his father. Just like me.

“うん。母ちゃん、生まれた時から目が見えないの。それで、ユウキの父ちゃんと出会って、亡くなる前に自分の目を母ちゃんに下れるって。父ちゃんもユウキの事を見守りたかったのかな？私達と一緒に暮らせる事が出来なくても、こうやって、ずっとずっと母ちゃんとユウキを見る事が出来るからね？”

One yet another tear ball dropped on my cheeks, like pearls that loosen from its lace and I don’t bother to wipe them away. I hold Yuuki tightly in my embrace and let myself drowned in tears and memories.

私は今、幸せだ。ありがとう、彬。あなたが下れたものを一生大事にするから。それだけを約束する。

　　　   気付けば今、私は教室にいる。見慣れた顔もいるし、全く知らないのもいる。教室は薄暗い、電気が付いていないからのかもしれない。自然光が開いている窓から入ってきている。同じ窓から、涼しい風が吹いており、何だかフードの付いているパーカがあれば暖かいなぁって。

他の皆が既に友達が出来て、友達と座っているのだ。私は相変わらず無口でいつも置いて行かれたから、今日も一人だ。私は教室外の風景が見られるようにして、窓に近い席を選んだ。なぜかそこに誰も座っていないし、私もだってそこが誰もいないから自分の選択に迷いがない。そこには、三つの席が一緒になっているが、私は窓に最も近い席に座らなかった。なぜか、通路側の席に。考えてみれば、あれは私のクセだった。授業やクラスが終わったら、はやく教室から出らる様な席がいい！だから、窓側の席に座っていない。そこに座ったら、遅刻した人が来れば、通路側の席に座るのかもしれない。そうしたら、同じ列の最も内側に座っている私は、はやく教室を出たくても、出れなくなる。お手洗いだって行けなくなる。気遣うから、私…

それで、いつの間にかクラスが始まった。私は今、美術のクラスにいる。私は時々、窓の外に目を留めた。外の風景がより面白いからかな？隣の二つの席が空いているのままだ。

しばらくして、私はお手洗いに行って、戻ってきたら、隣の席にカバンや上着など、いろんな荷物が置いてあった。見慣れた荷物だった。そっと窓側の方に顔を向いたら、懐かしく愛おしい人の姿が目に映った。友也だった。私の姿が見えたら、親しく声をかけてくれた。席だって、窓に最も近い席から真ん中の席に、つまり私の隣に移った。

半年ぶりの再会だ。友也がここにいるなんて夢の程、びっくりするのは当然だが、最もびっくりするのは、なぜ私の隣に？しかも、肘と肘がぶつかるぐらいあんな近くに座っていいの？知っていたのか？それとも偶然なのか？わざと遅刻して、びっくりさせたいのか？

それらの質問は心の中で始まってお終い。私と友也は、この半年に何も変わらないように話をしていた。冗談もして笑っていた。何もかも変っていない。友也も、半年前の友也と全く…同じ姿で同じ性格。

夢の中で、私は幸せだった。いっぱい喋って、いっぱいお互いの気持ちを通い合わせた。夢だった、何もかも…

今、私は目覚めている。覚めた中で、あんな夢を思い出したら、息し辛いの程胸が苦しい。苦しいけど、嬉しい。それが、夢の中の友也でも、実際の友也と全く同じだから。まるで、夢の中で私達が再会した。

とてもいい再会だった。

友也（２００９年、夏）

Mid December 2002

Dean is busy working on her assignments. She tried her best to finish them up before J comes back from his baito. It must be hard on him too, since it’s snowing heavily outside. Dean took a day off as she’s feeling unwell since this morning – she resisted but J forced her to. She threw few weary sighs as she couldn’t work out her assignments. Her dizziness conquered her head and forced her to lay it down for a moment. She laid her left arm on the desk, and later landed her head onto it. Her eyes stopped at her ring finger – it’s wearing a thin, plain silver ring & J is wearing one which exactly same with hers too. She uttered a weak smile before closing her eyes for a moment.

“ただいま!” J said from the genkan, awaking Dean from her sleep.

“Ah~ 超寒い!” J cried as he landed himself, sitting on the bed, taking off his jacket fully covered with melting snows.

“お帰り~ 大変ね” Dean replied, closing her notes and piled them up neatly and pushed them aside to the left corner of the desk. She moved towards J and sat before him, leaned her head onto J’s chest, resting it comfortably. Holding her into his arm J asked,

“大丈夫?”

Dean nodded weakly with her eyes shut. J has worried face on him, tightened his hold and examines her forehead with palm, and soon holds her hand. It was cold and pale.

“Dean, しっかりして! Dean…” he uttered his worried, with a little louder voice but Dean remains silent and numb in his hold.

This is the second day after they tied the knot. Though he knew not much time left to be together, he still with his decision…doesn’t matter if this marriage last a week or even a day, he determined to be with her….

I knew it’s crazy but I’ve decided. Even I knew she’ll leave me sooner or later, I still want to. I knew the fact she’s diagnosed to have an incurable illness, before I made this decision. I want to…believe in miracles. Seeing through how eager she was from the moment she appeared again before me last 2 years, it makes my tears falling non-stop. Because she already knew she will leave anything she worked hard for, yet she still did her best like she’ll have another 1000 years.

“Dean,…” J called her again, and felt relieved after she replied,

“Uhm?…Ah ごめん, I fell asleep…” Dean replied releasing herself from his hold.

“Maybe you should have your sleep now” J suggested as he pulled her back into his hold, made her head laid on his arm.

“お休み” J whispered and soon a while later Dean is already in her deep sleep.

He wrapped her with futon before shifted to the desk. He would do some revision, copying notes from Dean and if he wants to, he will try to do the assignments given. This has been continuing since 2 months ago, though he hangs up his study for this semester.

***

“おはよう” he greeted her with a kiss on the forehead. Dean brushed her eyes few times, still half awakened before she replied,

“おは…hah! What’s time now?” she suddenly panicked and woke up hurriedly.

“落ち着け! What are you thinking Dean? It’s Saturday!” J laughed a little, seeing her being so panicked, mistaken it was a school day.

“Ahhh…焦った!” Dean sighed, before she noticed the time at the moment,

“Why are you waking me up this early?” it’s 5.30 am, though it’s slightly getting lighter and lighter outside.

“Uhm… 何でだろう?” J smiled naughtily.

“Don’t tell me you want your breakfast now?” Dean is just guessing, as when it’s cold, you’ll get hungry easily. J threw a big yawn, and sliding himself into the futon, lying next to Dean.

“You stayed up for the whole night???” Dean was shocked.

“Ah, that assignment got me… so…” Dean pulled herself out of bed and checked her assignment she left undone last night. J continued before she couldn’t utter her thanks.

“You’re actually needed to submit it yesterday, aren’t you? Try bringing it to him today… I bet he would still receive it” said J while his eyes were already closed.

“Junji…” Dean was touched. She would never expect he will stay up to finish them up for her.

***

“I am sorry for submitting it late. Honestly, I can’t solve it yesterday” Dean lowered her head as to apologize.

“いいです. I’ll look through it later” replied Mr. Takahashi.

“But 先生, I want you to know something…” Dean hesitated, for this is might be the chance for her…

“はい?” asked Mr. Takahashi waiting for her continue impatiently.

“This assignment wasn’t done by me. It was originally done by Lee Jun’ichi”

“Ehh?” Mr. Takahashi uttered his shock to what he just heard.

“I know this would be too much, but would you please help him continues his study again?”

Dean looked at him, as her eyes are filled with hope. She realized J has changed so much after this while – precisely, after he was chased out from his house and live by his own money and earnings. Mr. Takahashi looked at her and later his determination was made.

***

“Junji, what were you hiding from me… show it …” Dean was just home, and yet to find Junji is looking at something, quickly hides it at his back after noticing her presence.

“No…Nothing…if you still want it, come and take it by yourself!” as she tried to pull it from J’s back, she’s caught in J’s embrace before a kiss landed on her cheek.

“お誕生日おめでとう!” he wished and let out the thing he’s been hiding from her – a small paper-made blue box.

“Junji…are you happy to see me in tears?” Dean can’t take it anymore. He first started from doing her assignment, and now even prepared a birthday gift. J smiled, opened the lit of the box and took a silver necklace from it.

“I never promised not to make you cry, but I’ve promised you I’ll try my best to make you happy…aren’t you happy now Dean? Though you’re in tears, uhm?” he said, while putting on the necklace onto her neck before continued…

“I bought this using my own money, from baito that I’ve been doing along these months. It’s just nothing…”

“How could it be nothing? The efforts you put to have this by your own…worth more than a life for me” she hugged him, indirectly thanking him for the necklace.

“ね…Junji…” Dean paused as she’s playing with the necklace.

“Uhm? What’s now? Don’t tell me you want something else?” his naughty side is back.

“Junji! I’m serius” Dean pouted, as she gave him a light punch to his chest. J burst into laughter, before he could ask,

“Ok…ok..ごめん. 何?” he looked straight into her eyes.

“I went to Mr. Takahashi and submitted the assignment. He asked you to come and meet him this Monday” Dean said, while not looking at him, still playing with her necklace.

“Eh? For what?” his face turned serious.

“I told him you did my assignment and asked him if he could help you continuing your study again…I’m sorry for my arbitrary… but”

“Dean…you have helped me too much. I don’t dare to receive anymore…”

“I’m not doing something to get something in reply… please….” She begged, but there’s few words left unspoken inside her heart…

“For it might be the last help from me…”

“分かった. I’ll go meet him then, ok?”

***

Day Sixth of the marriage

The lectures were over for today. J and Dean left the lecture hall before they went to separate ways; J is heading to Mr. Takahashi’s room, for thanking his help while Dean is heading to Uncle Hashimoto’s stall, leaving for her baito.

At the college, while J stepped out of Mr. Takahashi’s room,

“Jun, 久しぶり!” someone called from his back. J stopped. He can tell who is the owner of the voice without even glance at her.

“What is another lie you’ve created that brought you here?” J jerked out at her.

“I am sorry. Please don’t say that to me. I came to congratulate you this time…” she paused, and continued,

“ご結婚おめでとう!” as she glanced at the ring on his ring finger.

“Ah, got it” he said as he continued walking.

“Jun! Please accept my apologies, for what I’ve done…”she just wanted to make the conversation longer, while she’s actually has nothing left to say.

Meanwhile, Dean that is heading to her baito place, met the 5 unknown men. And for unknown reason, she was beaten to death again. She fell to the ground and lying helplessly. She uttered J’s name, as to call for his help, but he’s nowhere insight. Her sight slowly fading into blurry images, but she could see someone’s waiting in the car is familiar to her eyes…

And J at the college at the same time had already left Mirai and exiting the main entrance of the college. He’s rushing to Uncle Hashimoto’s stall, without knowing what’s happening to his wife. He bumped into a student and dropped the lockets – the sapphire-blue and ruby-red that locked together is now apart, as the ruby-red one is off from the necklace…

What could this means? Is there something wrong with Dean?

J didn’t have a good feeling over it. As he’s passing one road, he saw a bunch of people gathered, formed a small crowd. He wants to move forward, but his eyes refused to left the crowd before he found out someone is bleeding, lain on the road – who is Dean. His legs are shivering, his mind is blank, but his nerves moved his body towards the crowd, carrying the unconscious Dean in his arms, heading to the nearest hospital.

***

Dean is lying numb on her bed, while J is sitting next to her, holding her hand. The warm liquids wet his eyes since they reached the hospital few while ago.

Why must this happen to you? Not me? Why must you take the all the sufferings & pains because of me? Why? I myself had trouble you more than enough… this is the second time I saw you lying like this. First, when I still knew nothing about the true you, and now, after we are one… My Goodness, I knew she will leave me one day, but please spare her life a little longer. I beg You… I haven’t done anything yet to make her happy… for she deserves to live her fullest in these very last days of her life… for she can’t afford to have it in her past… please…

Dean opened her eyes slowly, as she felt something fell on her cheek – J’s tears, as he’s sitting very close to her now. She stared weakly at those red eyes that looking at her, helplessly. She tried to say something, but he can heard nothing more than a mumble. He didn’t force her to repeat what she said, instead he whispered this;

“Now that we’re here,… now that we’ve came this far. Just hold on, there’s nothing to fear, for I am right beside you… for all my life, I am yours.”

Dean looked at him with her teary eyes, yet when she blinks the tears fell off to her cheeks fast. J took out the lockets from his pocket. He returned the ruby-red locket to her, and said,

“I return this to you for a while. Gain your strength back as you’ve did for the past 12 years… I believe, you can do it” J’s leaving the ward after he gave her a kiss… perhaps the last.

He’s feeling dizzy as he donated some blood for Dean, and he doesn’t want to show his weak side to her. Besides, he had something to settle up. He walked fast, tried to be strong against his dizziness and left to a place where he should not to return to…

***

“Are you happy now I’m here before you? Isn’t it what you want? You chased, but earlier you’d expected me to come and kneel before you, begging you to take back what is done and follow your rules?! Who or what am I to you? Your servant? Your dogs that just follow what you commanded?” J blurted them out as soon as he opened the door of Mr. Lee’s office room.

“うるさい! Didn’t I tell you not to come back here anymore?” Mr. Lee shouted at him.

“Ah. I’m not coming back to you, don’t you even try to think I’m here to tell I’m regretting the things I’ve done. But I can’t just sit down and wait until you take her life away!”

“You talked rubbish! I knew nothing about what you trying to say!”

“Heh. What else you want? Don’t you have more than enough? What else you want to take from me? My life, my happiness, my freedom, my future…and now my wife!? You’re the most evil devil I knew, Mr. Lee!”

“何だと?” Mr. Lee stood up from his chair, approaching J and about to give him a slap but J gave him a punch on his face before he could say or do nothing. And Uncle Dan that just arrived rushed and tried to stop J.

“Junji, stop doing this to your dad, please my son!” said Uncle Dan as he grabbed both of J’s arms with his all effort.

“父ちゃん, let me do this for the last. I knew I’m a bad son, but I need to tell him this…” J paused and calmed himself, taking a very deep breath into him before he continued,

“Mr. Lee, are you still remember the things from 12 years ago? When your wife left you forever with an only son?” Mr. Lee stunned to hear that words.

“How was your feeling at that time? How have you spent your days soon after she left? How was the pain? How were them???” J cried, looking straight into him. He never talked this much to him for these 12 years.

“やめろ!” Mr. Lee shouted back at J as he refused to hear anymore.

“痛いだろ? Wasn’t it hurt to see your love leaving you alone? そうだろ??? Are you trying to let the same thing happened to your son? Tell me!! Are you satisfied now?? Dean is your daughter-in-law…if you still considered me as your son, and I swear she’s my first and last. You can’t change me, DAD. You’ve failed” J finished his words leaving Mr. Lee standing astounded. No just at the fact his son is married to the girl he asked his men to finish her off, but also to the way J called him “dad” just now…

***

J is just back to the ward. He was shocked and stood still few meters away before Dean’s ward to see she was pushed out on the stretcher by few nurses, lain helplessly under the white blanket covering her body up to her face. Her right hand is hanging down from the stretcher, holding the ruby-red locket he returned just now. He called out her name again and again, but just to find no answers neither her response to him. He tried to get himself into the nurses but some other nurses stopped him. J fell off to the floor as he can’t believe what he’s seeing. The stretcher is leaving him farther and farther…it was a forever farewell…

“No!!! Tell me this is just a dream…” J cried as loud as he can, but nothing’s changed….

***

A week later, …

“Junji, come and have your breakfast my dear” Mrs. Yoshida knocked on his door few times, but there were no answers from inside.

So that she entered the unlocked room and found J is standing beside the window, leaning his body against the wall as he’s staring to the outside. No more tears seen on his face today, but he looked miserable.

“Come on dear. You haven’t eaten anything since …” Mrs. Yoshida stopped her words there. She tried to avoid stating the fact Dean is gone, so that she pulled this poor boy into her embrace, holds him tight. Anything in the room would remind him of her, make the things much more difficult than the real it is.

“Aunty…” he called in his sinking voice.

 “Tell me what should I do?” He began to tears again. He is much more fragile than himself, 12 years ago. Mrs. Yoshida released her hold before she lifted a letter from her apron’s pocket and hands it to him.

“Take a look at this… she left this for you, but she asked me to hand it to you if something happened to her” J took the envelope filled with a letter, before Mrs. Yoshida said,

“Be strong, my dear” as soon as Mrs. Yoshida left the room, J opened it and read the handwrote letter which written,

“My dear Junji,

I don’t know where to start, but I’m glad I met you again. Remember you asked me, why I chose Japan to further my studies? I can’t tell you straight away at that time, but it’s actually you. You and the memories you left 12 years ago, still lingering on me. I decided to risk myself finding you, but I never expected more than just to meet you again, for so many things have changed me from Hikari that you knew once in your childhood. Thanks. I’ve got back my happiness that I used to have 12 years ago. Though it’s so short but it’s more than enough…you finally fulfilled your promise to your mom, you’re a good boy. Now, I’d ask you to promise me one thing, since I never asked you to promise me any before, will you dear? Please continue living in happiness, no matter what is happens next. It’ll keep spinning dear – our wheels of life, so it’s normal to have ups and downs. Everything will have its opposite, as to keep the balance. You’ll be strong through them, as you learned from your life experiences. I know you will need a better start, so I leave this to you. Feel free to use it the way you like. Uhm, I mustn’t say this, as you may take it & spend them all with other girls later… ahh, I’m kidding! You’ve done a lot to me in the past, so now I’m returning them to you.

Yours, Dean.”

A few teardrops fell onto the letter and blurred a few words on it. Wiping them off, J checked what’s left in the envelope. He is stunned for a moment. It was Dean’s savings. Now that he understands it clearly, why Dean is still working hard on her baito although her study was fully sponsored by Mombusho, Japanese Government’s Scholarship…. All of her earnings were for him.

***

Mid of January, 2003

It was an early, fine morning when Mrs. Yoshida awakened by a sound made from the kitchen. J is up, preparing the breakfast. He’s already in his long sleeved white shirt which its sleeves now rolled to his elbow & long black trousers – formal dress, looks like he’s ready to off to college any moments later.

“どうしたのJunji?” Mrs. Yoshida asked as she brushed her eyes a little.

“Ah, ごめん. Did I awake you, aunty? J looked at her face, throwing a smile to her. Mrs. Yoshida halted, a little surprised to what her eyes bearing.

“Junji…” she approached as to have a better look at his face.

“大丈夫よaunty. I know what I’m doing. I’m fine…I’ll be back late afternoon, so don’t wait for me k? Have your lunch first, uhm?” J said, as he’s wrapping his sandwiches into a package. Mrs. Yoshida stood still but her eyes began to tears. She knew it was Dean’s letter to change him back to what he should be, so she hugged him tight, before saying,

“いってらっしゃい, Junji!” her tears fell off her cheek, but she smiled in happiness.

***

“はい、どうぞ” said the Principal. J is holding a white envelope in his right hand. He entered as he received the permission to do so. He lowered his head as she stood in front of the Principal, before he hands him the envelope. He waited until the Principal read the contents, before he uttered his words,

“Please have your consideration.宜しくお願い致します” he bowed once. The determination was the result of his deep thinking, for the past days and nights after he read Dean’s letter.

“I accept your request. But could you please tell me your reason?” asked the Principal, looking at him intensely. J hesitated for a moment, gaining his strength to tell the truth.

“I can’t save my loved one, so in order not to let the same sad story repeated in other’s life; I want to be a successful doctor, try my best to save one’s life, for he/she might be someone’s special and his/her presence is important as important as a hold to one’s life…” he bowed once again before he left the Principle’s room. He has asked to change his department – from Economic to Medical School….

***

J’s heading to the grass hill where he & Dean used to spend their times a lot together at the college. He first looked around the place later threw his sight to the opposite side of the hill. It was a very beautiful scene, where he could see the scenery of the entire city.

Why I didn’t realize it before? It’s beautiful and soothing… Maybe it’s because she’s more beautiful and soothing than this… Now she’s gone, but her memories and what she taught me are living, last here forever… Dean, I transferred to Medical School today. I’ve decided. Stay here; give me all your supports, ok? It must be a very hard start for me, but I guess you’re right. Everything is difficult since we’re not used to it…but after we’re used to it, nothing’s impossible, right? Until then, my dear…talk to you soon…

J took a look at Dean’s photo he attached to the very front page of his diary, before he closed it and walked out of Economic Department. Farewell my past, farewell my sadness…

=== THE END ===

End of October 2002

“I ‘ve heard enough about you! I can’t stand anymore…I thought you are matured enough to think it by yourself, but you have totally embarrassed me from what you have done!” Mr. Lee raised his voice as he raised his temper.

“Ohhh…I thought it’s more embarrassing if people know a dad has a love affair with someone’s wife, which at the same time being his son’s girlfriend!” J referred to Mirai.

“Shut up! You talked rubbish! Out of here! And don’t ever come back to this house!” Mr. Lee chased his own son. He heard about J and Dean’s relationship from some his reliable sources, though Uncle Dan has shut his mouth on the matter. Uncle Dan too, was nearly fired as he kept the matter from him.

From that day, J stayed with Mrs. Yoshida and began his baito at Mr. Hashimoto’s stall, the same place with Dean, to support his own expense. One day, Uncle Dan came to visit him at the stall. And J took the advantage to tell him about Mrs. Yoshida, his missing wife.

“Uncle Dan, there’s someone I want you to meet today. Will you come over to my place tonight?” This was his first time to call him “uncle”. Uncle Dan realized it too as he halted for a second before replied,

“Yes Young Master. I will”

“なーんだ! …I’m no longer your master’s son, Uncle Dan. Just call me by my name…”

***

After he finished his baito, J, Dean and Uncle Dan went to Mrs. Yoshida house. Uncle Dan still had no idea why is J asking him to come & who is the one he wants him to meet. J has asked Dean to keep the thing as a secret.

“Young Master…ahh…Jun’ichi-kun, where are you taking me to? And who is the one you want me to meet?” asked Uncle Dan curiously.

“You’ll find it soon” said J looking at Dean, and the two exchanged smiles.

The three departed from the stall arrived at a wooden made, one room sized house, which belongs to Mrs. Yoshida. “We’re arrived!” said J. He looked excited, while Uncle Dan looked surprised, to find him still smiling and live happily even though after been chased away from his house.

“Auntie! Auntie! ただいま!” J shouted from the genkan, entered the house first, leaving Dean & Uncle Dan behind.

“お帰りなさい, Junji…” replied Mrs. Yoshida from the kitchen.

The smell of her miso soup filled up the air of the room. Uncle Dan stopped. He sensed something, after he realized the woman called J as “Junji”. Dean ushered him to enter first, while she locked the door. J is standing behind Mrs. Yoshida, stealing a sip of boiling miso soup right from the pot, so that Uncle Dan could hardly sees who’s the owner of the voice calling J as Junji just now.

“あら～気をつけて! 熱いから…” said Mrs. Yoshida, worrying of this boy might burn his tongue to drink the soup that way.

“Aunty, we have a guest today…” J replied while he took another sip.

“そう?” Mrs. Yoshida asked shortly, and J waved his head to the left, where Uncle Dan is sitting. She glanced at the man sitting near the table that J referred to. She landed her eyes on him for few moments before she turned her body facing him, and then lowered her head giving a bow. Without being asked, Mrs. Yoshida introduced herself.

“吉田です. 宜しくお願い致します” she could see the man that is sitting few meters away from her just now stood up and approached her slowly. J that standing beside her moved a little, as to give a way to Uncle Dan.

“Yumie…” Uncle Dan called. “俺だ… don’t you remember me?” Uncle Dan’s voice is sinking.

He’s now standing before Mrs. Yoshida. It’s not that Mrs. Yoshida has forgotten about him, but her poor sight made her takes a while to recognize people.

“俺だ…かずひろ” Uncle Dan burst into tears as he hold her into his embrace.

 “あなた! あなた!” Mrs. Yoshida called him, and both of them stayed embracing each other for few moments while J and Dean stood silently, being touched to what is happening before their eyes now.

The four spend their time chatting and having some light supper together. Mrs. Yoshida got her eyes wet all the time as she’s telling all the things happening for the past 12 years. But J uttered his smiles all the time deep inside his heart to see the two is uniting back, like what they used to be 12 years ago. Dean is smiling too, as she feels she had her parents back. They have a very long chat, before Uncle Dan asked a permission to leave after a few hours later.

“それでは, また. I’ll visit you again, Young Master,….no…uhmm” Uncle Dan couldn’t find the right way to call this boy.

“Why don’t you call me Junji, then? Uncle Dan… I know it’s too sudden, but it had once across my mind…can I call you “父ちゃん”? You’re closer to me than my own dad… I hope you won’t mind it” said J while he smiled a little. Uncle Dan is touched by his heart. He really missed to hear someone calls him “daddy”. And it’s hard to accept the fact his daughter has gone before he could see her face for the very last time.

“Sure…. My son!” The two embraced each other as the farewell for that night. Dean is leaving too, soon after Uncle Dan’s car is out of their sights.

“ありがとう!” J thanked her.

“こちらこそ、ありがとう!” she thanked him back.

“Ehh?”

“I’m glad to see obasan and ojisan reunited. I feel like I have received a new family” Dean uttered a smile, the pure and honest one on her face.

“冗談じゃないわよ! You haven’t built one yet! I wonder when, then” Mrs. Yoshida teased her, causing her a little embarrassed, since J is there too.

“Auntie! Why are you still blabbering? Dean must be weary been working all day long, let’s just her off ok?” J tried to save her.

“はい、はい. 気をつけてね, Deanちゃん”

“うん. ありがとう!じゃね” she waved her hand a little before she turned back and left the two.

***

“I am sorry we have to do so. You can register again on the next semester, after you settled your fees.”

J walked out from Economic Department’s office room with great disappointment. The department terminated his entry for this semester as he failed to clear his lecture fee. His earning from the baito he just started isn’t enough for him to settle them now. While leaving the main entrance of Economic Department, he bumped into Rina as she is hurrying for her class that will be started soon.

“Jun,…久しぶり” she said softly.

“Ahh… 元気?” he just want to hide his sadness on his face.

“何かあった?” as she noticed his sad look.

“あ、いや. 授業でしょ? Hurry up. You’ll be late!” J avoided.

“You’re not coming?” she asked.

“No. I think I’ll skip for today” as he’s leaving but found Rina is holding his left arm.

“待って! どうしたのそのカッコ」?” she referred to his all-worn-out T-shirt and jeans. She never saw him wearing this kind of attire for the whole last semester.

“悪い?” J asked, noticing her real intention.

“いや. You’ve disappeared for a month and now turned up like this…いったい…”

“Mind your own stuff, miss. You better hurry up for your lecture….” J walked fast, leaving her standing still.

What’s wrong if I wear infancy clothes? What’s wrong if I worked and live on my own earnings? That is much better than before I think. No need to rely on that irresponsible dad and his dirty money!

J sat on the bench near a pond before the main exit of the college, thinking of what he’s going to do next. It’s too much impossible to go and beg his father for help. And he doesn’t dare to ask Dean to lend in her hand. What a shame to be a boy if he needs to rely on a girl! He’s looking down and stared still to his feet – they used to wear branded shoes, but now just a worn slipper; until he didn’t realize someone is standing in front of him.

“Jun, おはよう!” she said. It’s more than familiar voice. J raised his sight searching for the owner of the voice. She uttered a smile and asked,

“Can I sit beside you?” J replied nothing and utters no reaction as if she is invisible.

“Jun, I’m sorry to come and find you again. I can’t help myself from finding you after knowing you’ve been chased out” she said, as if she is sorry for what had happened to him. J is sitting still, no reactions towards her, but he replied,

“I don’t need your sorry neither your sympathy. I can live by my own. I feel relieved, I’m finally free”

“Jun,… “

“What brought you here this time? Leave me alone!” J said angrily and about to leave, while she said,

“I’m pregnant” Mirai said as she looked at him.

“Ohh…Mrs. Arai, omedetou!”

“He is yours”

“Hah?? What on earth are you talking about? What do you expect me to believe after your lies are all revealed?” J cried.

“Why would I lie? He’s the most precious one left for my remembrance of you. He’s here because of your love” she tried to hold his hand but J managed to snatch it away.

“Leave! Just leave me!” J shouted, caught some students’ attention which passing by the exit. Mirai felt uneasy and left soon after.

***

“ただいま!” J said weakly as he entered the genkan, before he heard the replies from two women greeted him with “お帰り!”

“遅かったね?” Dean greeted him as he appeared into her sight. She dropped by at Mrs. Yoshida’s house as this aunty asked her to.

“Ahh, 悪いto have you to take care of my aunty here” J apologized Dean, with his straight face. He tried to avoid from being noticed, so that he left the two and went to the kitchen, hunting for some food.

“―ん… 何か変ね? Uncle Hashimoto said there’s no more customers when I left the stall yet you’re coming back this late…” Dean is testing him.

“Hashimotoさん, is he trying to introduce my son to his lovely daughter? I heard his daughter visited him at the stall today.” Mrs. Yoshida added.

“そんなのウソ” J replied, biting the hashi with his lips, and brings his rice bowl filled with tempura is his right and a smaller bowl of miso soup in his left hand towards the table. J started eating as soon as he reached, while the 2 pairs of eyes are still on him.

“何?” he asked as he noticed the two, and then continued,

“しつこいな both of you!”

“Why wouldn’t I? I must know if she’s somewhat to be my future daughter-in-law” though Mrs. Yoshida sounded so serious, but the three of them knew she just playing joke on J. J coughed a few times after he heard that. He quickly drinks a few sips of ocha, already poured in by Mrs. Yoshida.

After he finished his meal, Mrs. Yoshida left the two, while she is pretending to be busy in the kitchen and paying no intention to the conversation.

“Dean, there’s something I want you to know…I’m not sure if I really have to….” J started.

“Uhm? What is it?” Dean answered, showing her interest to know the details.

“Uhm…. I’ll quit the college starting from tomorrow…”

“Whattt?? Quit your study???” Dean cried out loud. But J put his finger on his mouth, signed her to lower her voice.

“I have to. They terminated my entry this morning as I failed to clear my lecture fee, so that I…”

“お金, 貸そうか?” she looked at him intensely, as he looked at her too.

“No. I won’t take it”

“But…”

“You worked and you paid your own fees, aren’t you? So why don’t I? If you can, so can I?” J said, and their conversation is paused for a while.

“If you have decided to, I can do nothing. You have my supports.” Dean smiled, but not looking at him. Deep inside her heart, she’s praying and hoping this boy could survive from all the troubles he had to go through from this moment.

“Ark! It’s late. I’ve to go now…じゃね…ohh! You can borrow my notes to keep in tracks for what we are learning in college”

“うん、分かった. ちょっと待って!” J stopped her as he still has something to say.

“うん? 何?” Dean stopped and glanced back at him with her innocent look. J can’t continue his words after seeing those eyes, so he just says

“Ahh nothing. Just… お休み” he changed his mind at the very last moment. That was exactly not the thing he wanted to say.

“なーんだ. お休み”

I can’t tell her. I already owed and troubled her so much. I’m afraid I have to keep this alone, but what if Mirai keep coming to see me? I don’t want to hurt you, Dean…but…

***

“こんにちは. 新井です. 宜しくお願いします” said a woman in her mid 20’s, before she bowed in front of Dean. It was a few days after she went to meet J. Dean is hurrying for her baito, but she let the woman into the house to have a few chats.

“Deanちゃん, I’m sure you know about me. I heard you are very close to my Jun…あ、いや, to Lee Jun’ichi” she started.

“いいえ. We’re just close friends” Dean knew what to say as she knew who the one sitting before her now is.

“I haven’t met him for quite long, I wonder how he is now” Mirai is lying again.

“Let me get you some hot ocha, please make yourself at home” as she went to the kitchen and poured in an instant ocha first, and later the hot water into a pot. She stirred the content few times and later serves it to the woman.

“Please have it while it still hot” she smiled a little at her as she finished her line.

“You are very kind and polite. You are a foreign student, yet you speak Japanese better than the real Japanese” She praised her before she took the cup into her fingers.

“You’re praising me too much Mrs. Arai” Dean lowered her sight down, as to show how honored she was to have her compliment.

“頂きます” she wished, as she took a sip of it. While she returned the cup onto the table, she suddenly lost her grip and dropped the cup. Dean tried to help but it’s too late as the hot ocha spilled on her arm and the cup fell to the floor, broken into pieces.

“だ…大丈夫ですか, 新井さん?” instead of treating her own burned arm, Dean holds the woman, as she looked pale and sick.

“ごめんなさい, Deanちゃん. I’m fine, just a little dizzy”

“Maybe I can get you some medicine…”

“う～うん, need not to. I can’t consume any medicine without doctor’s prescription”… she paused as she finds the confusion uttered on Dean’s face and then continued,

“I’m conceiving a child”.

“A…ahh..そうですか? おめでとうございます. Let me clean up the mess, please have your rest” while Dean picked up the pieces of broken glass, the woman continued,

“ありがとう… But would you please tell his father to meet me when he’s free?”

“Ehh?” Dean didn’t get what the woman trying to say.

“Jun’ichi… I missed him… so much” Dean accidentally touched the broken glass and hurts herself. The red liquid dripping down from the cut but she hides it from the woman and replied,

“I will… tell him later.” It hurts her so much. Not from the cut that just made by the broken glass, but by the words from the woman are thousand times sharper, chopped her heart into pieces. She’s bleeding terribly…inside.

 Dean reached her baito place late due to that uninvited guest, and she asked Uncle Hashimoto’s permission to leave early, just for today. When she’s leaving,

“Dean, wait!” J stopped her. He could sense that she’s avoiding him since this afternoon.

“I’m sorry I’ve to leave first. I’m too weary today… sorry” she explained without being asked.

“分かった. But can I drop by at your house on my way back? I want to borrow your note…” said J, using the note to create a reason to find it out sooner.

“Uhm” Dean replied shortly and left. On the train, she changed her mind and went straight to Mrs. Yoshida’s house….

“Auntie! ただいま!” said Dean as Mrs. Yoshida opened the door.

“お帰り, Deanちゃん. あがって、あがって!”

“Junji isn’t with you?” Mrs. Yoshida asked as she didn’t see him.

“No…” she replied shortly.

“Auntie!” she cried before throwing herself into Mrs. Yoshida’s embrace.

“どうしたのDeanちゃん?” Mrs. Yoshida was shocked, as she never sees this girl crying before. But Dean just shook her head weakly in her hold.

“泣いていいよ. I won’t ask you why and won’t ask you to stop. Cry until you feel to stop” she said, tightening her hold. She can sense something wrong between the two – J & Dean so that she hints,

“何かあったの,… between you and him? How dare he make my daughter cry like this? He must be punished!”

“No. It’s not him, but it’s related to him”

“Ehh?” Mrs. Yoshida didn’t get it. Dean released herself, felt relieved after she cried all her pain out just now.

“I felt so hurt auntie. I don’t know why….” Dean paused to catch her breath, while Mrs. Yoshida took her burnt arm and examine it. She found out the cut left opened on her finger too.

“I am a very good listener; you can tell me if you want my dear” Mrs. Yoshida smiled before she went to get some medicine for her.

“Someone came to my house this afternoon. She used to be someone special to Junji before. But they’re no longer in the relationship…” Dean can’t hold it anymore.

“I see… それで?” said Mrs. Yoshida as she came back with the medicine and starts treating the hurts. Dean remained silence for a while, trying to find her words before continued,

“She asked me to tell Junji something…”

While Dean is about to tell the truth, J is already reached the genkan. But he stood there, trying to hear their conversations.

“….tell him that…” Dean finds it difficult to say it out.

“You need not to force yourself, Deanちゃん. I offered to be a listener to lessen the burden in your mind, but if it’s not…”

“She’s conceiving a child…who belongs to Junji” the silence is again filling up the air. Mrs. Yoshida uttered her shock on the face, while Dean is tearing again. J that standing up at the genkan can’t hide himself anymore.

“So this is the thing you’ve been hiding from me?” said J that is already standing there.

“Junji, since when….” Mrs. Yoshida couldn’t finishes her words, before J interrupts,

“Aunty, can you lend her to me for a second?” as he grabbed her wrist, forcing her to move. He didn’t want Mrs. Yoshida to hear it, so he’s leading her towards her house. But they stopped halfway.

“Junji, that’s hurt! Release me, please” Dean cried.

“Which one you referring to; your hurt here or the one in your heart?” J stared at her teary eyes, asking for confirmation. He uttered few weary sighs before continued.

“Ok, look. I tried to tell you this last night when you’re leaving, but I can’t. I knew it’ll hurt you but I didn’t expect she would come in person to you today” J explained.

“But she told me she didn’t meet…”

“She lied for sure! We met by accident at the college yesterday… though I didn’t have any to prove she’s lying again on that… I can’t accept it!”

“What if she didn’t lie about it?” Dean suggested. She isn’t worrying about the thing Mirai said, but …

“I don’t know…I really don’t know what to do. I don’t know why all this things must happen at this time….” J fell to his knees, feeling helpless.

“Junji, please don’t misunderstand me if I say this….I just feel like…” Dean paused、doubting herself that she will just hurt him more.

“Every single parent in this world does love their flesh and blood. Since Mr. Lee is together with her, I have a feeling that he just using her again, to get you back”

“Why must you think it’s a parent love, Dean? If it’s true he wants me back, it’s not because of he loves or cares about me, when the entire thing he cares for these past 12 years was himself!” A tear running down his cheek as he finished his line. He holds his worries for a second before continued,

“Thanks!……….” said in his sinking voice.

“Uhm?”

“………for staying by my side no matter what is happening” he smiled a little at Dean, and she replied it back, a sign of approving what he just said…

]]> http://evearlmine.wordpress.com/2011/05/13/j-dean-%e7%ac%ac%e5%8d%81%e4%ba%94%e8%a9%b1-i-am-yours/feed/ 0 留美 http://evearlmine.wordpress.com/2011/05/13/j-dean-%e7%ac%ac%e5%8d%81%e5%9b%9b%e8%a9%b1-we-belong-together/ http://evearlmine.wordpress.com/2011/05/13/j-dean-%e7%ac%ac%e5%8d%81%e5%9b%9b%e8%a9%b1-we-belong-together/#comments Fri, 13 May 2011 06:32:13 +0000 留美 http://evearlmine.wordpress.com/?p=414 ]]> We Belong Together

The girls keep whispering to each other. It seems like the rumor has spread among them. As Dean entered the lecture hall, their eyes stopped and landed on her for few seconds before they continued whispering again. Dean sat on the seat as she always seat to. She didn’t, and she can’t hear clearly what they are whispering since just now. A moment later, other three girls entered and Dean overheard their conversation.

“After all, a playboy will continue being a playboy!” one of them said, sounds a little annoyed to the rumor.

“そうね. But I agree that Rina was so lucky. No matter if he’s a playboy or what, I’d be the happiest girl in this world if I was her! Can you guys imagine it, みんな!” another girl replied, but she sounded so excited.

“バーカ! Why would he choose you? Look at yourself” the third one replied, before the second replied back with, “そうね? It’s just a daydream, maybe!” then the three burst into laughter.

Dean is pretending to hear nothing. How could they still dare to listen to such rumor while they only have few weeks left before examinations? She thought to herself. As she opened her note and about to start her revision, she was halted to the silence suddenly filled the air in the lecture hall. Someone that is very familiar to her entered from the backdoor with a girl walking beside him, as they were together from now. They later sit next to each other in the last row of the hall. Dean holds her breath for a second. Now she is pretty sure about the rumor she heard just now. The playboy must be referring to J, and of course the lucky girl is Rina; which sitting next to him now.

“I’m glad you’ve found someone suits you well, Junji. We could stay being just friends by this. Thanks for understanding me…” Dean feels a relief but somehow her tears falling.

***

Dean rushed to her regular place, soon after the lecture finished. It finished earlier, as the lecturer has finished the entire syllabus and today was the final lecture for the subject. Dean sat on the grass. She still remembered the moment J and Rina entered the hall an hour ago, and recalled back the rumor she overheard before that. She can feel the warmth liquid running down on both her cheeks. She tried so hard to suppress them for the past hour.

“Don’t cry strong girl. You are brave, you are strong. This is nothing compared to what you have been through all over this years” she said to herself, for she didn’t realize someone is standing next to her, seeing her crying and overheard her monologue.

“どうした? Are you missing me that bad? I just disappeared for a few days, yet you’re crying like this!” J asked in teasing way. Dean hid her face by covering it with both of her hands. It’s too late to hide the fact she’s crying, so that she wiped them off before she replies,

“Ah, Junji. 盗み聞きやめて!” Dean replied in her trembling voice.

“What’s wrong?” J asked seriously, slightly worrying she has misunderstood on something.

“う～うん. 何も…” she lied, but J got his hands grabbing her shoulders, forcing her to face him.

“Look at me. I know you’re lying, but your eyes won’t. It’s just a rumor, trust me”

“Eh? What rumor? I didn’t get it….”

“Stop hiding it, Dean. I’m toying on you. やり返しだ! Since you ran away from me…” J explained but it seems have failed to assure Dean. It’s hard to believe for she had seen it herself the two are together this morning, strengthen the rumor.

“Look, she came to my house 2 days ago and found out I had a fever….”

……….J is flashing back the things happening on the days he wasn’t around, until the second day, where Rina confessed her feelings towards him.

“Dean, you know your own feeling better than anyone else… you can’t deny it yet you still dare to hide it. I love you, and you feel the same for me. What’s wrong with that?” J asked.

“I don’t know if you already knew this or not…I’m afraid you not. What if you knew that…” Dean couldn’t finished her words as J interrupts,

“Even if your life left a minute, I still want to stay with you. I knew all your stories, yet I never change my mind. I’ve made my decision, no one could change it… even death” said J honestly, as he already knew everything about her past, from the investigation files Uncle Dan gave him few months ago.

“Junji….” Dean got her eyes teary. She’s worried more than touched.

“Uhm? Don’t cry. I don’t dare to see you in pain anymore. You’ve been through hard times which were thousand times greater than mine. You have had enough, I won’t let it happens twice. Don’t you believe in miracles? He’s always by the side of people that been strong and tough towards His tests. He surely grants you happiness later” They looked at each other before both burst into smiles. The eyes said it clearly, she accepted his proposal.

“Can you lend me your locket a second?” J asked as to confirm her unofficial answer. Dean took off her necklace and hands it to him. J bit the thick black thread caused the locket to untie and cling it to his silver necklace and locked them together.

“What you going to do now? 母ちゃんasked you to keep this forever as yours, hasn’t she? J smiled naughtily, hiding his shyness.

“I don’t know…” Dean replied, while she too is blushed terribly.

“There’s only one way you can survive….” J stared at Dean who is already looking down shyly.

You know what I meant. You’re genius enough to catch every thing in my mind, yet you’re acting like you knew nothing. Your actions speak louder than your words. The only way we can survive is… to be together as one…

Something happened in the past, turned you to be someone else than the real yourselves. It has 2 possibilities – either you turned to be wiser or opposite way. In Dean’s case, her past made she felt a great trauma to love someone called “man”. It was her father who made her change this way. Everything’s started after her mother died suffering a great fever. As they’re running out of earnings, her mom can’t be sent to hospital to receive the treatment she needs. After she died, his dad left her with her aunty. He went to a bigger city using the left of earnings they have, to find a job. But after years have passed, there’s still no news about him. As he returned back to the village 5 years later, he isn’t the father Dean knew any longer. He did a lot of crimes while he’s leaving and now back just to hide himself. Dean was abused – physically, mentally and sexually which once made her hate all men. She stayed until one day she made up her decision to live a better life. She studied hard to fulfill her dream – to fly toJapan, which where she hopes to build a new life. She did succeed and proceed to where she is now. No one knows her past, except herself. And now the fears, hatred and pains she has had once, came across her mind again….

Dean has decided. She will try to escape from J as much as she could – get busy with her baito. While Dean is expanding the gap that had shrunk, J is busy to get his strong hold for upcoming exams. He was in great pressure, yet Dean is leaving him alone. At the same time, Rina keeps coming to his house and tried to befriend with him.

***

It is now 4.00 am and he could see the streak of lights breaking through his windowsill. He moved towards the window and opened it. He then threw a big yawn, before he returned to sit back at his study desk. He laid his head on the note that is opened, as he felt dizziness interfering him since last few hours ago and fell asleep a while later.

Rina came to visit as she didn’t see him at all at the college today. She knocked on his door room few times, but found no answers from inside. She let herself in as the door is unlocked. Perhaps J had forgotten to lock it last night. She stepped forwards to find J is asleep. She finds it weird, since he’s sleeping at his desk, not on his bed. She stopped and stood beside J.

“Jun… are you okay?” she asked, doubting if he’s actually awake.

J remained silent and gave no response at all. She gets herself closer and touched his forehead.

“Oh my! He had a fever!” J uttered a mumble to hear Rina’s voice.

“Ah… what time is now?” J brushed his eyes with his left hand, while the right one is supporting his aching head.

“Ehh? It’s 12.30 at noon…“

“Ehhhhhhhhh???” J uttered few sighs before he laid his head again. It’s feeling a great dizziness at the moment.

“Wait here. I’ll get you some medicine… ohh ya, I got this from the owner of the stall when my friends and I were there for our lunch just now” she’s pointing at the lunch box in her hand. On a very neatly packed bento, there’s written “Hashimoto”.

“I don’t know why, but he asked us to hand this, when we’re talking about you. Do you know him by any chance?” explained Rina.

“Ahh, perhaps. I went there once…” J tried to hide it.

He’s been there for quite a time. Not to eat or drink, but to meet Dean and did help her. So that the owner; Mr. Hashimoto recognized him very well. The bento reminds him of Dean. This girl is running away from him, after that day. It hurts to see her treating him that way and he feels rejected. It’s been a week since their last talks….

“ほら… you should have your lunch now, and consume your medicine! Then, take a rest. Leave all the things aside first, ok? Your health is the most important now. ほら, はやく! Have the bento…”she hands the bento pack to him, and uttered a smile on her face.

Why would she treat me this nice? I don’t have any memory treated her that way every time she came here before. Well I expected someone else to do so, but why it’s not her? It’s much more hurting compared to the day I broke up with Mirai… Why did she do this to me?

J lied onto his bed after taking his medicine. Rina pulled the blanket for him as she’s saying “oyasumi”. She left soon after she ensured J has fallen to his deep sleep. The medicine must have worked on him… she uttered a wild smile she never shows to him.

***

On the next morning, J is sitting at his desk and then…

“おはよー!!” she popped out all of sudden from J’s behind. J is shocked to see she is now right behind him, for he didn’t hear any knocks on his door, neither nor the stepping sounds.

“おーびっくりした!” he uttered his shock and he looked much better than yesterday.

Rina smiled and continues,

“もう大丈夫?” as she put her palm on his forehead, examining his body temperature.

“あ。ありがとう!”

“う～うん. よかったね… I wonder why I wanted to see you so much yesterday and finally found you lying here in fever. Phew, you worried me to death!” she uttered her worrying face and looked at him. She is a little surprised to find his eyes were on her too.

“Sorry… but thanks”

“Ah, I didn’t see Uncle Dan around. I met him just now and he said he’s coming” Rina tried to change the topic as she is a little blushed to have those eyes are still on her and continued,

“Maybe I should look for him…” she couldn’t finish her words, as she’s shocked to realize her hand is locked in someone’s grip – after all, a playboy is a playboy!

“要らない… just stay with me here” he took her hand into his and stared at her.

“Jun, what are you doing?” she asked as she stared at him too.

“What do you think I’m trying to?” he pulled her hands towards himself, causing her to fall on his laps. Their lips nearly touched, and their faces are just inches from another. He loosens his grips, but her arms willingly moved, wrapping his neck.

“Jun, I….”

“You know you want it too… why don’t you just follow your heart?” J replied as he let his arms wrapped around her waist….

“Jun, I….love you. But I love your money the most. I’m sorry to say so. You’re definitely the most innocent playboy on earth I’ve ever met, or maybe your hard times just giving me the chance to take the advantages of them… or you’re too honest when it comes to love” – Rina’s talking minds.

“Has it ever cross your mind

When we’re hanging, spending time girl

Are we just friends? Is there more?

See it’s a chance, we’ve got to take

Because I believe that we can make this into something

That will last …. Forever”

J can’t stop thinking and thinking – about you know who. It’s like a shadow that follows him everywhere he’s been. And now the images started to play into the motions of her, for what she did last few days. Her laughs and smiles, her words, her various facial expressions, her kindness and warmth side shown to Mrs. Yoshida few days ago… are all becoming one now. He recalled back his childhood promise he made once with his mom, while she’s still alive.

“母ちゃん, when I grow up, I will marry her” he whispered into his mom ears, while he’s sitting on her laps with his feet hanging down to the ground. Wrapping her left arm around his waist, Jang Nita replied,

“あら~ isn’t Hikari is your お姉ちゃん now? 母ちゃん asked her to be my child earlier, and she accepted my proposal first” this loving mom is teasing her own son.

“母ちゃん!” he cried and burried his face into her chest, blushed terribly and she embraced him and giggles a little.

J can’t deny it’s one of his best memories with his mom but he deserves a good sleep now for he had early morning class tomorrow! J ended up gotten up late as the consequence thinking of you know who, too much last night. He’s lucky because Dean is kind enough to lend her note and this naughty boy even copied her answers right into his note! While writing down the notes, J said this to Dean,

“You haven’t continued your poem, then?” while his eyes on the line he’s copying

“Eh??” she didn’t get it. J remembered the lines then recites them fluently.

“I’m searching a light to see

I’m searching the air to breathe

I’m searching a sky to fly

I’m searching a piece of land to build a home

I’m searching a love to live…”

Dean blinking in surprised. She never expected he would find out the rough writing that she always have on the last page of her notes. She remains silent, feeling a slight embarrassment as she’s not that good in writing yet he already found it out!

“Owh! I shouldn’t ask you yet. Just check it out myself” J said and he quickly turning it to the very last page.

Dean snatched her note quickly as she’s hiding something. That’s too quick until she’s not realizing of holding someone’s hand together with her note!

“O my goodness! Don’t let me embarrassed this way!” Dean said in her heart, as she is releasing her holds off.

Her cheeks turned to light pinky red for a moment. J bursts into a smile that he tried to hold for not to be seen, and then covers his mouth when the smile bursts into laughter. Dean can hear his laughter though he suppressed it hardly, can’t help herself from laughing too. If she could, she wants to run and hide for a moment until this shy feeling gone.

“Dean,…” J called her name for the first time. He used to call her with just “hey” or simply “you” since they know each other, before he asked…

“What will you do if someone you missed suddenly appeared in front of you?”

Dean halted. She got the point, and she knew it clearly to whom and what he’s referring to.

“He’s such a naughty boy! Just wanna trap me with my own answer!” thought Dean.

“Hmm… maybe just telling the person straightforwardly you missed him/her?”

J halted a moment to her answer, bit his lips once and says,

“I really missed… you. I thought we could never meet again after that. Plus, when too much things happening in these 12 years, I nearly gave up my hope. But I’m really grateful to Him, to let me meet you again.”

“I’ve never gave up on my hope. That’s one of the reasons I’m here in Japantoday. Though it is too much impossible to find you, but I gave a try. And I’m grateful to Him too, for fulfilling my wish.” Dean said this deep inside her heart, while she remains silent and just uttering a smile on her face.

“It seems that my search for the fifth has now meets its end.” J relates it to the poem she wrote, “I’m searching for a love to live” before he continues,

“I…I like you. Ah, but please don’t misunderstood me. It’s not that I’m just sympathy of what happened to you, Dean. I really mean it. I thought it’s crazy to believe on childhood love, but it seems so real… I still like the same person after 12 years have past.” He blurted them out; the things made him lost his sleep last night. Dean remains silent, but her face expression changed.

“Junji, I’m sorry…” she said softly, almost unheard.

“Uhm?”

“I’m sorry if I have to say this… Please…Please don’t like me, please stop it if you’re feeling so. Even it’s in your dream” Dean holds her breath, tried not to shed a tear. There are few more things this guy didn’t know about her after 12 years they’re apart. And she is pretty sure, if he knew them all, he would leave her alone and would never talk to her anymore.

“What are you saying Dean? Why?” J uttered his shock.

“I’m sorry I can’t tell you now… till then” Dean left in few moments. Her fragile heart is tested badly today. At first, she’s like flying over those blue skies before she fell into a deep ocean, drowned and is now losing her breath.

“Junji, I came here to find you. Yes indeed. But I’ve had bitter pasts that sent me here, as to forget them all. I am sorry that I can’t be more than just a friend. I’ll be happy if you accept my wish – we stay as friends until my very last breath”- Dean talking minds.

The two of J and Dean are sitting on the grass – at their usual place when it’s a break between two lectures or during lunch hour. Dean used to be here to do her revision or even finishes her assignments before she left for her baito. But now it seems someone else has followed her routine as well – J. They would spend the time here together even though they’re doing their own stuffs. J is on his Differentiation & Integrals while Dean is on her Basic Economy. They spoke almost nothing since an hour ago. J lies himself on the grass and covered his face with the textbook, from the glaring sun that shining right into his eyes as he’s facing up to the sky. The breeze blowing his front hair up and down, like a sweet soothing mom’s voice sending him asleep. Dean just looked at him.

“Ah! 眩しい!” J cried when the sunshine strikes into his eyes as soon as he opened them. He yawns few times and glance at the watch on his left wrist!

“ヤバい! あの女, didn’t wake me up when she’s leaving!” J was 10 minutes late for the next lecture.

“な! Why didn’t you wake me up just now? 危なかった! Lucky I’ve still managed to submit the assignment!” J said after the lecture is over.

“Hah? What do you expect? I’m not your guardian or somewhat closed to it!” Dean walked forward leaving J standing still.

***

“Why did you choose Japan to further your studies? Do you have any special reason?” J asked. Dean halted a second before answered…

“I’ve nobody left in my homeland. So that I came here and planned to stay here for the rest of my life”

“Hmm..? Won’t you feel lonely or somewhat missing your people or country?” J asked again.

“How about you? You’re Korean, yet you stayed in Japan” Dean replied with a question.

“I was raised here. Even though I’m a Korean, I never been to Korea, so…” J replied and waits for Dean’s reply. He’s touching the ruby-red locket that he took from Dean on that night, which he puts in his pants’ pocket. Any answer from her later will reveal the secret lies inside this ruby-red locket.

“I don’t have anyone left to miss to. What’s left is the memory that I want to throw, faraway from myself. If it’s now, I may forget all the things happened and build up a new one, but at that time I need a new place to get myself onto hold again” Dean let it out for she has forgotten who is she talking to now. Though she’s not looking to, she knew that a pair of eyes is staring on her.

“Ah, ごめん. I shouldn’t tell you all this….” Dean said tried to cut it off.

“I’m the one who should sayごめん. Coz I’m the one who asked. Since you said you have no one’s left to miss to…. I wonder if I should return this to you” J let out the ruby-red locket from his pocket.

“That’s mine!” Dean cried, and stretched out her hand fast to snatch it from J’s hand, but he moved backwards before she could do anything. Surprised, she asks,

“Why is it with you now? I thought you said …”

“What if I say I lied?”

“そんな! Give it back to me!”

“Why? Why’d you treasure it more than yourself…”

“いい加減にして! Why must you take it from me? Why must you?” her eyes filled with tears. It’s indeed like what J has said; she treasures the necklace more than herself. J is shocked to see her expression, and asks while he’s willingly hands it to Dean.

“You’re hiding something, aren’t you? You knew you’re hiding it!”

“What are you talking about?” she could just finish her last word before he grabbed her wrists and closing the distance between themselves.

“Let go off my hands! I said let go off me!” she tried hard but she couldn’t. She gave up on trying, instead,

“Junji, please…” her voice deepened into sinking tone. She knew she fell for it this time. She felt the pain inside her chest, the greatest at this moment and about to explode in any moment.

“久しぶりだな… to hear someone’s calling me that way, after 12 years” J replied.

She slipped her hand from his, and J let his grip loosen. His eyes turned red as he refrained his tears. The silence is creeping between the two. Both were just hiding their true identities along this period of time. The memories of 12 years ago replayed on both minds. Dean and Matsuda Hikari are indeed the same person, as written on the details given from Uncle Dan’s investigation. J broke the silence with,

“How were your parents after that? Uhm…you don’t have to answer me if you don’t want to” since Dean said she has no one left in her homeland, so that J is curious what had happened after he returned back to Japan.

“It’s too long to tell you now. Too much things happened” Dean replied while her eyes are staring still onto the grass.

“そう… well, I won’t ask on it anymore. Sorry for just now” J apologized.

If he didn’t do it that way, it may takes longer to reveal this girl real identity. Dean uttered a tasteless smile and shook her head few times.

That was too dangerous! I thought I would receive her slap just now when I released my grip. I can feel them trembling, but she honestly didn’t try her best to let go off them from mine. Why would I think it this way? She did the same last 12 years. Instead of she tried herself, she will just beg me to let go off her. Is she too feels it the same way?

“Why do I keep running from the truth?

All I ever think about is you

You got me hypnotized, so mesmerized

And I just got to know….

Do you ever think when you’re all alone

All that we can be

Where this thing can go?

Am I crazy or falling in love? Is it really just another crush?

Do you catch a breath when I look at you?  Are you holding back like the way I do?

Coz I’m trying & trying to walk away

But I know this crush …. ain’t going away”

J lied on his bed, but he’s not sleeping – just lie down and resting his mind. He heard a few knocks on his door but he said nothing. If it’s Uncle Dan, he will leave after few seconds no answers from him. But the knocks continued. J feels interrupted. He expected nobody to come today as he wanted to spend the time alone.

“誰?” he asked.

“Jun’ichi?” the unfamiliar girl’s voice answered.

J uttered a sigh and replied lazily, “Come in, the door is unlocked”

J woke up and sat on his bed. He waited for the person to come in by herself. A figure stood up in front of the door for a while before she continued,

“Are you used to do this? You made me embarrassed… I never enter a person’s room by myself… especially a guy’s room” said her a little blushing.

バカ女! If you shy, you would not even here now! But who’s she? Seems like I’ve saw her somewhere. A classmate?

“What do you want?” J asked in icy cold tone.

“Ah, why are you asking me like I’m an intruder?” she said, a little sulking.

Yes you are….you’re my intruder today!

J uttered a wicked smile, and asked again. “So what brings you here?”

“Ah. My mom went to see your dad. She said she had some business related things to discuss with, and unexpectedly she brought me too. I didn’t know that Mr. Lee is your dad” she explained with her little voice and it sounds a little childish – trying to be sweet but it’s annoying J that felt interrupted to hear that man’s name.

“へぇー. I wonder what kind of business he’s gonna do this time” said J while he lies down again, showing his no interest to know, and deep inside his heart, he wished this girl just leave in any moment.

“Don’t you will take after his business when you graduated?” she asked and J was shocked to find the girl is now sitting on his bed, next to him.

Didn’t she says this was her first to enter a guy’s room? And wasn’t she finds it’s embarrassing to do so? What about now? Throwing herself to me? Damn funny little girl, just leave me alone. I am not interested to play with you today.

The girl named Rina is J’s classmate. And she is the one who asked Dean to hands him, her handmade handkerchief earlier. It wasn’t a coincidence that Rina’s mom brought her along that day. The two single parents must have made up another thing, more than just business related matter….

It was a fine evening, when the two walked together back from college. They  almost talked nothing to each other, but they hearts talking a lot. Sometimes the jokes that one’s made, makes the other one burst into laugh – the smile made its way to their faces. They stopped at one of the crosswalk as its traffic light turned red for pedestrians. The two is standing still and uttered no words. But Dean got her eyes on one old lady walking with a wooden stick on the opposite side of the crosswalk. The old lady walked slowly yet carefully, looking down to the path her legs leading her to. She is just few steps before the crosswalk ends, and suddenly a car driven recklessly came and turned into her. Seeing this, Dean runs into the old lady, forgetting the red light. He was shocked towards Dean’s movement cried loud her name but she didn’t look back, and without hesitation, he followed after seeing a car coming into her way. He pushed her forward, lost his control over his steps, and fell onto the road, which caused a minor injury to his wrist and elbow.

“危なかった! That’s was too close! よかった I’ve made it….” J said, still catching his breath.

“Ark! You’re bleeding!” Dean cried.

“No, it’s just a tiny hurt” J hides his injured hand and asked to the old lady, “おばさん、大丈夫ですか?”

“いいえ. すみませんでした” said the old woman nearly cried.

Her heart was touched seeing how the two had risks their lives for her. Dean holds her hand, which is not holding the stick and J helped carrying her stuffs. The three went to the old lady’s house, which situated just a couple meters away from Dean’s home. She introduced herself as Mrs. Yoshida. She looked older than her age due to her bad health condition. She lives alone, and was just discharged from hospital few weeks ago.

“Ahh….痛い!” J cried as Mrs. Yoshida cleans the cut he had on his elbow.

“You’re such a young boy, you must stay healthy and strong, my child” she coughed a little after finishing her words.

“うん.…Yoshidaさん、ほんとに大丈夫?” J is worrying this old lady more than himself instead. Dean just looked at the 2, before she brought three cups of hot ocha from the kitchen.

“それ…” said Mrs. Yoshida staring at the glittering sapphire-blue locket on J’s chest. It can be seen clearly when he took of his jacket. J looked at Mrs. Yoshida and followed her eyes to find that she’s referring to his locket.

“Ohh. This locket was a gift from my mom. She gave me when I was just a little kid” J answered and smiled a second. His turned into straight face a moment later as he recalled it’s the last thing he received from her, before she died.

“From your mom? Child, can you lend it to me for a while?” The two is looking at each other. Why would this old lady acted like that?

“Sure” J replied while he took it off from his neck and hands it to her. Dean and J sit still and uttered no words, waiting for Mrs. Yoshida to reply. The old lady looked at the locket very carefully. She touched and cares the locket as it is hers. Her eyes shed few tears later, uttered surprise looks on each faces.

“Child, what is your mother’s name?” she asked as the tears leaving her eyes.

“Juanita…she is better known as Jang Nita, adapted name to Korean pronunciation” J answered honestly in details. The detail brought the shock expression to both Mrs. Yoshida and Dean.

“Then you must be Jun’ichi…Lee Jun’ichi!” she wailed and later takes J into her embrace, and calling out his name as “Junji”. J was totally shocked. He sat still for Mrs. Yoshida still embracing him tightly in her arms. J tried as hard as he could, guessing on who is actually this old lady, whose exactly knew his past.

“Obasan,…” releasing his body from her embrace, and then continues,

“Are you Mrs. Yoshida Yumie? Dan… no! Yoshida Kazuhiro’s wife?” he just guessing it.

But it must be a right guess, since nobody else to think of. Mrs. Yoshida nodded her head few times and took him to her embrace again. She and her husband, which better known as Dan and their daughter, once lived with J, not a very long after J and his dad back to Japan from their 2-week-vacation in Malaysia, that was, 12 years ago. J was closed to her as closed as his late mom. As her husband was working for Mr. Lee, Mrs. Yoshida took care of J for mere 6 months. She left the apartment with her daughter after had a quarrel with Dan. From that on, Mrs. Yoshida disappeared and nobody knows where she went to. She felt a terrible grief and pain leaving J, and lived in regrets all this past.

“Auntie!….We’ve been looking for you this whole 12 years. Why did you left me? What had happened? Where’s your daughter? How is she now?” J asked one after another as he reminds the things of 12 years ago. Mrs. Yoshida wiped off her tears using her sleeves’ ends first, before she moved backwards a little and bowed to J, until her forehead was nearly touches the ground.

“ごめんなさい. ごめんなさい” she said again and again.

“Auntie, what are you doing? Stop it, please” now J too burst into tears. He can’t deny the fact that he couldn’t stop blaming this woman for leaving him in that house like hell. He holds Mrs. Yoshida shoulders and looked into her eyes, assuring her that he forgave all her done.

“My daughter Emi passed away 5 years ago, in an accident. I was badly injured too, but she can’t take it longer… she died in my arms” the silence filled the cold night air for a moments. So that was the reason for why she’s leaving all alone here now.

“Auntie, please have the ocha while it still warm” Dean breaks the silence, and hold the cup for Mrs. Yoshida. J halted. He thinks of something before continued…

“Yah… why don’t you said that earlier? I’m thirsty…” he took a sip of ocha before continued,

“Ahhh, having hot ocha on the cold night! 最高だ！な、おばさん?” J said before taking another sip. Mrs. Yoshida smiled kindly, makes Dean to burst into a small laughter too.

This was the first time I saw her laughing. She laughed quietly, uttering no sounds, showing her upper front tooth a little. That is cute! I hope she’d smile more later… everyday maybe! And I just noticed it – the way she talked to my aunty. She is like my aunt’s real daughter, they are too closed instead of they just knew each other today. But she has no closed friends at school… I wonder why. Ark! What I’m talking about?! Isn’t it happening to me too?